The Shadow of Myself
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2001-10-13 20:13:55 (UTC)

today was supposed to be perfect..

Today was supposed to be awesome. I have been counting
down to this day since August 31st. That is six weeks.
Six weeks that I spent anticipating.. and building up all
the events of today. The day that was supposed to be

So.. now here I sit.. feeling overwhelming disappointment.
How many times am I going to set myself up to fall before I
learn? How many times is it going to take me to learn to
not expect something... to appreciate something for what it
has to offer.. and never look for the possiblity of
something more.. b/c chances are everything that happens is
going to be less than what you expected.

I laid on my bed looking out the window and thinking of how
I'm going to have to relive this weekend so many times by
telling all the people I once paraded to.. that nothing
happened.. b/c that is the way things are. I also thought
of how many things that I'll never know...

I'll never know if he brought his guitar.
I'll never know if he was going to stay.
I'll never know what he had planned on saying to me.
I'll never know what "could" have happened.. or what "would
have happened.
I'll never know what it would have felt like to see him
when he first got here.
I'll never know what it would be like to listen to my first
concert with him.
I'll never know why things happened like this.
I'll never know how excited I would have been to spend that
much time with someone like him.
I'll never know what the pictures that will never be will
look like.
I'll never know what he decided to wear.
I'll never know so much of all I wanted to know.

What was supposed to be the most wonderful weekend.. one
that I had spent sooo much time looking forward to.. and
making sure that everyone knew about so they could share in
my excitement.. is now non-existant. It will never
happen. It's gone.. and I have nothing to show for it...