whoami?

Journey to Me
2001-10-13 14:06:41 (UTC)

You LOVE me?

the other day my boyfriend of 3 years asks me, "how do you
LOVE somebody? Love is a noun. it's an idea. so, how do you
idea somebody?" now that may sound silly, it certainly did
to me at the time, but then i started to think about this.
what exactly is love?

in germany they have like 5 different words for love. there
is brotherly love, passionate love, love for family and
friends, love for objects, and then love for God. But in
america we put all these meanings together and the throw
this word around like it means nothing. maybe it doesn't.

It took my boyfriend over 6 monthes it seems to say "i love
you". this is not a bad thing. it was actually very sweet
because he explained to me that he had told other girls
that he loved them, and it didn't work out with them. the
next girl he told it to, he wanted it to be forever. and i
agreed. that word actually does mean something to me. but
in my inexperience, it was only weeks before I thought that
i loved this boy. no one had ever made me feel the way he
did. i was special to this boy and he really liked me and
wanted to be with me. I thought that was what love was, and
i still think that is a major part of love.

I have since come to find that i crave the attention
and "love" of many people. my mom, grandparents, family,
boyfriend, friends, even just the people i meet on the
street or at school. it makes me feel good about myself to
have people like me and to tell me i'm pretty. maybe it has
something to do with my dad not being around or what have
you, but whatever it is, it is real.

I've been told many times that in order to be truly happy,
you must first make yourself happy. I'm a little backwards
here. seeing as how i want people to like me, i try to do
whatever i can to make them happy, regardless of what i
have to sacrifice. my morals and values, what i really want
doesn't really matter, because i'm not even sure exactly
what those are yet. I haven't had the time or the courage
to find out what really makes me happy, because i'm too
busy doing for others.

people tell me i'm brave because i'll try new things and
i'm not afraid to stand up to people. ok, true enough if
that's what everybody else want's me to do. but trying to
find myself, i'm the most scared person in the world. i'll
tell you a few things i know i want, it's not much, but
it's a start.
I want:
to be truly happy with myself and my relationships
to go to med school
to help others in need
to travel
to have a life of my own!

simple things yes, but maybe the hardest thing in the world
to attian. sometimes i feel that i know what i need to do
for myself, but i can't bring myself to do it. my boyfriend
and i have a talk about what i thought i needed right now,
and he is trying so hard to do what he can to make me
happy. but somedays i find that i just don't want to be
there with him. that i still love him, but maybe just not
as i should. that he's my bestfriend and i'm so afraid of
losing him that i pretend to be someone i'm not. that he
seems so sure of what and who he wants that i feel bad for
not being sure. i don't think i'll ever be content until i
go out on my own and start over. find out who I am. but i'm
too afraid of what might happen and what might change that
i stay in my life the way it is and happy or not, it's safe.

to get back to love, a friend of mine the other day
says, "i love you". not a rare occurance as i openly tell
my friends that i do love them, but somehow this struck me
as odd. I haven't really know this friend for very long,
but we have become wonderful close friends in the time that
we've known eachother. maybe it's because of my feelings in
my relationship that have caused me to question even the
love i have for those i'm closest to.

I miss my friends, and i miss the times when life was much
simpler, and you didn't have to hurt the people you love
just to find out who you really are. wish it were all as
simple as "i love you".