csadler

this is for me...

today's entry :) is just me thinking out loud and me trying
to collect my thoughts (is that possible) so if it seems a
little random and uncollected i apologize

so yesterday afternoon i went to go for beers with neil and
play blitz chess with him (par usual for a friday afternoon
it seems) and i beat him about 1/3 which is good...i'm sure
he wasn't giving me his best but i thought i played okay.
i beat him a couple of times on the black side of a closed
sicilian, the white side of a petroff and the white side of
a snake benoni where i shoved the e-pawn down his throat.
i was impressed by that game. he beat up on the caro when
i played it, but i got a good enough position, and we got
into a dragon a la blackburne (1.e4 c5 2.Nf3 Nc6 3.Nc3 g6
4.Be3 Bg7 5.d4 cxd4 6.Nxd4 Nf6 7.Bc4 or something like
that). oh i also beat the black widow a couple of
times...i guess it did turn out okay :) so after that i
had planned on hanging out with MC and maybe going to see a
movie or something...so i stopped by her place and there
was no one there. so i called up kevin and julie answered
the phone and said that kevin was "waiting for
me"...whatever that means :) so i stopped by his place and
he wanted to go for dinner or whatever because he had
coupons for james street...so me, him and julie went for
dinner and we had some beers and it was all good. then
kevin says something along the lines of "oh amanda is gonna
stop by, she taped wrestling for me" or something like
that. that blew my mind...i didn't expect that all
all...honestly my plan was not to speak to her at all :)
and send her a yahoo greeting happy birthday card on her
birthday (november 6th) you know with a how's it going and
whatever. so we were very civil to each other, even had a
couple of laughs and whatever and it was okay. i don't
think that everything's going okay for her...apparently
they locked her password with the www.greekideas.com
website (she was pretty excited/pissed off about it when i
asked mental note : don't ask about work) and she didn't
get the ikea job that she applied for. she looked good
though...i didn't say it though because i didn't want to
sound like a lovesick puppy :) so during dinner, kevin
called me an "ass" for the "go fuck yourself" email. i
didn't pry but i did after amanda and julie left.
apparently he didn't think that amanda deserved that
because i had different impressions about what was going on
compared to what was really going on/what amanda thought
was going on. naturally, like the song, he was just on the
outside, he was just looking in :) but maybe he was right
and my emotional immaturity shouldn't have caused me to be
an asshole. she was mad about it, and i said something
like "good" and it turns out i'm an ass after all. she
didn't want to come up to the apartment in case "he" was
there which made me feel good. :p so i felt bad that kevin
made me feel guilty so i was thinking about sending
another "i'm sorry" email but then i decided against it.
what's the point? even if (heaven forbid) she forgave me
and we started hanging out again, she has no interest :)
or little interest (depending on who you talk to) :p the
sad thing is that i just missed the attention...i miss her
more as a messenger buddy than anything. i don't know who
to ask for advice, but i think i should just move on and
give her her space. i offered to help them move (they're
moving downtown on the 1st of november, which is a thursday
so i could probably help out) that was nice of me :) also,
kevin was saying that whitney might be moving to owen
sound!? to work at K106.5 that would be laughable...i
joked around with kev that if whitney was looking for a
friend, kirk was down there :) one good thing though, i
might have a ride down to owen sound lol when i first saw
her last night, there was no lump in my throat like i
thought there was gonna be...it was just her. and i was
happy (for me). no pain in my chest, no emotions nothing
(and that's saying something for a guy like who wears his
emotions on his sleeve) i miss my messenger buddy :(

i've wanted to put this song on for a while...i love it but
i never have (and it was a summer song for me which is
always important)
------------------------------------------------------------
Drops of Jupiter

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out
there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he
never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of
day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out
there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I
know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-
hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of
day
And head back toward the Milky Way
------------------------------------------------------------

addendum : after all that i asked my friend for advice (whether to
email her or not) and she said "flip a coin" not very good advice :p
so i decided to let fate control and just added her back to my
messenger list...i'm a moron and i'm gonna hurt myself again but
c'est la vie... :)