Karen & Austin~edd=11-15-01
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2001-10-13 11:39:54 (UTC)

Im Done with him!

Im so completely done with putting up with my bf and his
stupid unbelieveable cheapness and his selfcenteredness...I
hope he is gay so he doesnt do the same thing he always
does.He kerks out on me over the phone or in the car.Then he
sends me some sort of flowers.I tell him thank you but I
dpnt tell him how mad I get that he didnt show up himself
with something..fuck it!I dont want flowers.I want him to
show up one time with any baby thing atleast one time.He
bought the furniture.That was because I wouldnt put out
until he showed some sign of helping out.Its not like it
cost as much as his computers or his car that needs fixing
for weeks at a time.I hate the awful dreans I have and the
thoughtful arguements we have.
Today I finaly had a chance to see him for the sonogram.The
woman who did the sonogram didnt even show me the screen so
I was on edge.But I havent seen my bf in 2-3 weeks so I was
planning on spending time with him.We chilled at my house a
while.Then he tried to make out on my parents couch.That
bull crap stopped in March 2001.Well maybe that's why he
started rushing me more.We left and he said he needed to
stop at his brothers house.This is the one who's so smart
when it comes to babies because he has two.I told him Id
wait in the car.Why should I put up with their fake smiles?
So when he came out after taking his time I told him I didnt
really feel like going out tonight.He was mad and said he
could have spent his time doing something useful.Hello,am I
not useful anymore?I heald his hand and said that I was
sorry I wasted his time spent with me.I never let my true
meanings pass through around him or Id always be crieing.By
the time we got to my house he was so mad that I asked him
if he wanted to walk around to talk.I dont want him going
home in tears like I have so many times,ugh!He ran off about
why I should live with him at his house to build a normal
blah blah blah and why he felt like he was nobody to the
baby.I told him we wouldnt be normal ever.He should've
realised that by now because weve been 21 years apart
forever.I never thought age would matter this much when I
got older.
The worst of all are these dreams.Dreams that make so much
sense but I never feed into their contents.Usually theyre at
his house where something/person is hurting me and I cant
wake him up and I wake up in the same position and place the
second time for real.Last night my dream was more vivid.
I dreamed that my bf took me to a bar and left me with a
bottle of expensive liquer to do something else.A woman
beside me was pregnant and we were talking about my son and
her due date.I told her Id better go find my bf so I left.I
searched all over the strangely huge bar for him.Well I
found a door that was locked so I knocked knowing it was
him.A biracial girl kissed him over his shoulder and left.At
first I didnt want to do anything because I know I cant
fight in my dreams but then I tackled him anyways and
started scratching him because my head was spinning so fast
that I couldnt see well enough to contact my hits.I can
clearly remember saying"How much did you pay her?You dont
pay me.We're supposed to be soo in love.I hope you are gay
because Im done!"At that point he started making forced
moves and saying"You like it."until I woke up.
Those sort of dreams used to stun me so bad that Id cry but
I dont even cry anymore.Ive started shutting out all my
arguements and rude comments.Its enough for me to laugh at
them without telling others.I feel so depressed now about
all the things going on.What kind of mother am I going to be
for Austin as a anti-social depressed reject fatter and
sleepier off of prozac?My bf says"You can change by reading
up on baby stuff like my brother did.You look the same as
the day I met you."Now concidering I geined exactly 21 lbs
since we dated and 10 were since the last time he saw
me,thats a lot of crap and shit on his brother the baby
expert non-liscenced pediatrition.My mom said that if I woke
up durring the day I wold feel better.I dont feel better.I
feel like I missed talking to Jovanna.I dont mind being
sleepy at doctors appointments.Theyre useless anyways.Ahh!!!
Im going back to bed after I check the paper for some sort
of activities I could do today.I have to atleast try to live
Oddly enough I dont want to be depressed if I can help it
but nobody makes that an easy task anymore.

It's always hard to admit when someone's not right for me.I thought
it would really hurt Austin's future if he didnt know his
dad.Hell,last time frank was here Austin flocked away from him.If I
feel depressed I can be depressed.I just have to make sure I smile
for Austin's sake.It's difficult to smile and play sometimes but when
he laughs Im in happiness.Austin makes everything worth my while.Then
he gets his bottle and I go into my sad mode,but thats good for me.I
cant lie to myself that Im Mrs.SuperHappy.Im allowed to mope just not
when austin needs things done.Sometimes I beg my mom to do things for
austin if Im really really sad but she says no and I walk
outside.After a few minutes I come back in calm and do what I have to
do.Im only human.The other day I was furious and austin needed his
cereal.He knocked the spoon on the floor full of cereal.I wiped him
off quickly and sat on the deck crying.Then he started screaming
really really loud so I grit my teeth and fed him.By the time I was
done we were playing on the floor.Sometimes we'll be playing after
his cereal and I'll fall asleep on my belly on the carpet with him
hanging off my back.Its adorable but I never remamber how we get like