American Spirit
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2001-10-13 00:36:31 (UTC)

Full Moon Struggle

I convinced myself they did not exist or that they would
not dare to exist to me. But they were there last full
moon squatting by the wall at my social gathering. Making
me feel forced into mingling with them, the enemy. and all
those who said they agreed with me socialized freely with
them like traitors. I was not mad. I was not even a
little surprised. Most of them appologised for their
behavior and tried to explain their middle ground stance.
Which makes me (to be totally honest) feel unworthy of true
friendships. Grrr. I could eat all their bullshit up and
swallow it with pride because I know my friends and i know
my not so friends. It has been raining here ever since and
i have enjoyed that. I wonder if she reads these. I
wonder if anyone does. No one ever responds to them. But
I guess i am not writting for anyone but myself. If I
wrote for anyone else it would not be so personal. I am
waiting right now and I hate that. I am waiting for my
game to die. I am waiting for my lover to come home. I am
waiting for what I want in my life because I have neither
the means nor the ends to get it myself. I am waiting for
time to pass and a miracle to happen. I am waiting for the
bread of life. I am waiting for my friends to be more
forward. I am waiting to find someone just like her. It
won't happen. We don't talk enough for best friends and I
am scared that we have become the lable instead of the ones
labling. I wonder if we are just tongue and cheek. I
wonder if there really is more. When I listen to that tape
i know that we at least in one time had that bond. I
wonder if it will last. I feel as if home is not
completely right and there is no where else for me to go.
I feel that the only time I feel is when I miss him. I
feel that if I just keep feeling I can make it some place
safe. I want someone to tell me the way to live life
innocently. I want someone to explain what I did wrong. I
want someone to tell me there is nothing wrong with what I
did. I want playfulness. I want storytime. I want
songs. I want art. I want nap time. I want to know there
are people out there caring for children. I want to be
surrounded by those who know love. I want to be
accompanied by those who know acceptance. I want all
things and nothing, and I want them both equally.