Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
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2001-10-12 20:17:05 (UTC)


Friday, October 12, 2001

RBF is so much fun. Just thought ya would wanna know
that. And I miss my boyfriend alot. yeah, im pathetic.
Its just, this past week has been so hard. Its not fair,
and its not funny. Well, the past couple of weeks have
been hard. Its like, i feel kinda like im under attack.
And I dont know why. I mean, me, personally, my soul, not
my country.

LOL! I just fell off the chair. No really, i did!! I
went to cross my legs and *boom!* I fell. LOL. Im such an

Yeah, i feel bad, because i really dont want to talk about
whats going on inside me... i couldnt tell matt last
night... i just couldnt. I guess because I just got
repremanded for my feelings the other day. Like, i think
it was wednesday night, mom was arguing with me about the
whole dad thing. Like, she and lisa were typing dad and
asking questions and stuff. here it is, i havent seen it
until now, too.

Stevenbbott: hi aa

redstarfish2: hi
redstarfish2: how are you?
Stevenbbott: iii am ok
redstarfish2: ok
Stevenbbott: ii did not send anything to court..dudnt even
know it was today..last i knew it was the 15th.. iam sort
of in shock
redstarfish2: oh ok
Stevenbbott: your mom says she will not let me have you for
thanksgiving..if i want to see you i can only see u for the
2 days after thanksgiving..she is mad about something.. i
am assuming she tried something in court and it didnt
work..whatever it was
redstarfish2: i dont know i wasnt there
redstarfish2: yeah i heard
Stevenbbott: so i will wait for her to calm down a bit and
try again
Stevenbbott: ok?
redstarfish2: ok i dont think it'll help but ok
Stevenbbott: she is that mad?
Stevenbbott: how is Tricia
redstarfish2: mom wants you not to talk to us about your
problems cuz it "isnt good for our health"
redstarfish2: trika is mad yes
redstarfish2: oh oops
redstarfish2: trika is fine
Stevenbbott: about what?
redstarfish2: i was messed up sorry
Stevenbbott: no u werent the truth! now please
redstarfish2: what!?
redstarfish2: i thought u said trika was mad and i think
she is
redstarfish2: and stuff
Stevenbbott: why is tt mad?
redstarfish2: i dont know
Stevenbbott: i have a suspect something about tt
Stevenbbott: i will email you later about it.
redstarfish2: oh alrighty?
redstarfish2: ok
Stevenbbott: will you tell me if i am correct?
redstarfish2: Hi Steve Guess WHO??????
Stevenbbott: who?
redstarfish2: Take a guess
Stevenbbott: how now brown cow
Stevenbbott: ummm the boogie man?
redstarfish2: Sara Lee Ring a bell?
Stevenbbott: oh yes it does...but she is in NY
Stevenbbott: or is she?
redstarfish2: No I am On vaction
redstarfish2: *vacation
Stevenbbott: getting away from Maynard?
Stevenbbott: and the kids?
Stevenbbott: i am on vaction....tooo! vaction..means?
redstarfish2: No I came down to take care of my FAMILY!
Stevenbbott: hows is Lisa?
redstarfish2: Lisa is well
Stevenbbott: oh you mean you are helping everyone get their
heads screwed on straight?
Stevenbbott: Good Luck!!
redstarfish2: Trying to but we need some Help from you
Stevenbbott: cat got your tongue..or cant you type
anymore..after all you r getting OLD!
Stevenbbott: Help how?
redstarfish2: Do you have the TIME???
Stevenbbott: well ..i have lots to do ..but I guess i can
listen...for all of my GIRLS sakes!
Stevenbbott: who and what do you want to start with..lhow
about Tricia?
Stevenbbott: and her mood swings... getting ill...throwing know..etc etc etc
redstarfish2: To start with you need to stop telling the
girls your problems. Youu can tell them about happy things,
but not your problems it is messing them up and confusing
Stevenbbott: what problems am i discussing with them? humm?
Stevenbbott: tell please i am dying to hear this
redstarfish2: Financial
Stevenbbott: like what financial problems have i dicussed
with them ..the only one i can think of is how i can pay to
fly them up for thanksgiving
Stevenbbott: i have been trying to figure out how to dai
that rather than drive to florida and back twice..but hey
tell me .. i am all ears!!!!
redstarfish2: telling them that you cannot send support cuz
you are tight on money is not fair to them because they are
making it their problem and think that you don't need to
help support them.
Stevenbbott: oh well i can tell you have been listening to
your mom's bs
Stevenbbott: i have NOT told them that..sorry try again
redstarfish2: no i have not - i see for my own eyes and YOU
Stevenbbott: really.. ...?
Stevenbbott: now just how did you do that from NY anyway?
Stevenbbott: have you got your superman eyes on?
redstarfish2: My sisters confide in me - they trust me and
I want to do what I can to help them. REMEMBER I HAVE BEEN
Stevenbbott: yeah i know Lisa and I have no idea what they
are telling you but I have not been involving them in can believe me or not ...
Stevenbbott: its your are going to believe
what you want..

Stevenbbott: so what has TT confided in you?
Stevenbbott: does the name JOEY mean anything to you?
redstarfish2: I can't tell you everything, but Mom and I
are working on getting her counciling. we feel she is
depressed and angry.
Stevenbbott: wonder why?
Stevenbbott: JOEY?
redstarfish2: Who the hell is joey???????
Stevenbbott: or BOOZE?
redstarfish2: no
redstarfish2: patricia is too intelligent for that
Stevenbbott: humm seems you dont know half as much as you
seem to think you do...every one forgets I have lots of FL
Stevenbbott: well i realize TT is too smart for booze, but
that doesn't mean she does not have to deal with it every
redstarfish2: you can't always believe what you hear.
Patricia has always been honest with me and I believe she
would come to me with a problem of that nature.
Stevenbbott: and as for manipulation and rearranging the seems she has to deal with experts on that evry
single day
Stevenbbott: and i am solomon
redstarfish2: what are you trying to say
Stevenbbott: you have a brain use it
redstarfish2: why do we need to lay blame when there is
more than one
Stevenbbott: whos blaming any one? seems that others are
lying about me and what i am doing to serve their own
purposes and drive a wedge between me and my daughters.. i
have kept my mouth shut.. but i am beginning to think maybe
i shouldn't.
redstarfish2: maybe it is time that you the girls and mom
lay all your cards out and get it over.
Stevenbbott: cool with me ..i have no cards..just trying to
talk to my girls....
Stevenbbott: you are looking in the wrong direction....i am
not figting with anyone..try looking a little somewhere else
redstarfish2: what do you exactly want from them. would it
be ok if I asked mom to come over to the computer?
Stevenbbott: what do i care
redstarfish2: fine hold on
Stevenbbott: for all i know she is there now
redstarfish2: no i am rounding up everyone the girls to
Stevenbbott: so start talking lisa
redstarfish2: Colleen wants to know how you could choose
leann over her
Stevenbbott: well lets see ... huh i have not chosen anyone
over Colleen..she is and always will be my little girl
redstarfish2: Nu uh you moved to Texas
Stevenbbott: yes to get away from KAREN..
redstarfish2: well you got away from me to
Stevenbbott: yes i know I am far away from all my girls
..but that does not mean I don't love you
redstarfish2: how come you sent ashley 60 dollars
Stevenbbott: it just means that your mom and i cant be near
each other and cant get along..
Stevenbbott: i sent ashley the money because she needed it
Stevenbbott: your mom couldnt give it to her
Stevenbbott: so i helped her.. i wanted too i miss her too
ya know
redstarfish2: i am having problems and you are not here for
me and that is true
Stevenbbott: yes but you have to tell me the
talk to me and explain to me and then i can help
redstarfish2: how can you help when you are so many miles
Stevenbbott: i can still talk.. i still have advice.. etc
etc.. all the things i have always had for you
redstarfish2: what about the hugs kisses and smiles
Stevenbbott: the only thing i cant do from here is hug you
and spank you,,.. am for that i am sorry..but we can get
videos for our computers and we can visit each other

redstarfish2: that wasnt a smart move - you just made me
Stevenbbott: what is really needed here is a schedule of
when we are going to see each other and times to call each
other etcand I really dont have any clue on how that made
you nadder
Stevenbbott: well?
redstarfish2: well now this is the truth - i don't really
want to come up there. It will make me feel uncomfortable
with leann there and her kids.
Stevenbbott: sorry you will feel uncomfortable.. but sooner
or later you do have to meet them
redstarfish2: yeah right
Stevenbbott: what do you want Colleen?
redstarfish2: my father back
Stevenbbott: and i want my daughters back..there is just
one small problem...its called your mom and i fight big
time..we cant be together, so what do you want me to do....
Stevenbbott: would you be happier if i moved to florida?
redstarfish2: id like you back but there is one problem
Stevenbbott: so what is the problem with Lee Ann Colleen?
Stevenbbott: tell me please.....
redstarfish2: no because leann would come with you and I
dont want to see her face
Stevenbbott: like i said why Colleen
redstarfish2: because she is a selfish brat - i feel she
was selfish taking my father
Stevenbbott: dont blame her for the problems between your
mother and i ... she had nothing to do with them
redstarfish2: chaaaaa right
Stevenbbott: the problem was with your mom and I .. no one
else Colleen.. that is the truth..believe it or not
Stevenbbott: it was your mother and i who fought.. it was
your mother and i yelling at each was your mom
and i hurting you and each one else Colls
redstarfish2: well your still not here
redstarfish2: it was you spanking me
Stevenbbott: i know i spanked you.. i punished you because
i love you and wanted you to learn but you already know
that..think about it Colleen.. the solution may be for me
to figure a way to move closer to you so you can see me
more often etc
Stevenbbott: thats what i hear you saying
Stevenbbott: right?
redstarfish2: i dont want you anymore
Stevenbbott: :'(
redstarfish2: lisa will talk now
redstarfish2: :-D
Stevenbbott: glad you are happy about that
redstarfish2: this is the problems that are arising in the
house everybody wants to talk but no one wants to listen
moving closer would not make the situation any better it
would make it more confusing on everyones part including me.
Stevenbbott: how so lisa
redstarfish2: everybodys having a hard time trying to
figure out how you could leave them and instantly move in
with another family.
Stevenbbott: really? humm... let me think ......sounds to
me like my girls are having thoughts put into their heads
by others..thoughts that confuse them...that what i think
redstarfish2: these are questions they have asked me. You
told them you were moving with your sister and you moved to
Stevenbbott: kids dont come up with 90% of the questions
they have asked..not even 16 yr others are helping
them with their thought patterns ..and as to how i ended up
at Lee Anns the kids already know..cause i have already
told them
redstarfish2: the kids said no you never told them
redstarfish2: all i am trying to do is help the kids trying
to sort out the mess
Stevenbbott: oh they know how Sue was out of town when I
got there and how she was gone for over a month.. that Lee
Ann just helped me out by giving me a couch to sleep on and
a place to stay ..they know all about it...i think they
need to re read their emails etc..
redstarfish2: The kids said you never told them you were
going or staying at leanns ashley said she had to sleep on
Sues floor when you got to Texas if she drove with you
redstarfish2: this is the problem with the kids is that he
tells them one thiing and does another and that is what is
causing the confusion
Stevenbbott: YES that is what I told her and that is what I
thought when i left Florida and as Ashley already knows..
when I got there Sue was gone and Lee Ann let me stay at
her place..
Stevenbbott: now I am going for the real truth here.. the
real truth is the adults there dont know..cause I never
told them
Stevenbbott: the same adults with all the weird ideas and
Stevenbbott: which they stick into my girls heads and mess
them up with, just so they can feel better about themselfs!!
Stevenbbott: when they should be acting like adults and
helping the kids..not using them for the personal therapy
Stevenbbott: maybe the adults should quit using the kids as
pawns in their strange games..adults are suppose to nurish
and help and guide kids.. not mess with their heads!
redstarfish2: Basically there is a big game starting to get
played I refuse to play it I believe there is two sides to
every story the kids are not part of the game piece all I
wanted to do was to try to get them honest answers to make
some peace. I am signing off now
Stevenbbott: what you want more?
Stevenbbott: yeah right as Colleen would say

redstarfish2 is ashleys screen name, and stevenbbott is my
dad. I just have one thing to say. WTF. Okay, this whole
joey escapade ended a long time ago, asshole, just to let
you know. And its because of your and moms pathetic asses
i barfed my brain out, and i cant tell whats up down left
or right in this pathetic thing called my life. Perhaps
youve heard of... being a teenager??? Wow! I thought youd
been there once. Oh wait, your inhuman. Okay, wheres the
space ship that took my dad? Id like him back please. Ya
know, that cool guy. Not the asshole thats slowly evolved
since about 1997. Ha. Hes such a hypocrite. He says not
to use kids in games, what the heck is he doing right now?
Hmmm? Geeze. If there is anything i cant stand, its
assholes, loud annoying people, and hypocrites. Its hard
to be objective in a situation like this. I like to say
that im staying out of it, but really, know all the
issues. Thats the only mind game I play. I hate mind
games. I prefer to see how they are being played and then
disolve them. I grew up around them, I could be the master
of them if i so chose. But this BS about him having
connections in florida, thats crap. I mean, what kind of
idiot would think me pregnant?? Well guess what, if I
were, theres only one guy that would be the dad, and thats
matt. And seeing as were both virgins, I dont see how
thats possible. Some one has theyre facts wrong, either
that, or thinks me a whore, by way of rumours. So far,
according to rumours, ive slept with Fred and Joey. Hmm,
how about, hell no, for a start. I have too many values to
do something like that.
Ashley, on the bus today, made me lose lots of respect for
her. She was talking and joking with this kid Randy, who
is like, such a perv, and laughing and stuff at his
perverted and drug related comments. I was like, oh my
gosh, ashley!! And they always make fun of this one kid
that has ADHD. I asked her one day if she knew what it was
like to be the kid everyone picks on, and she doesnt. She
doesnt know waht its like to have everyone laugh at you, to
be picked last, to lay awake in your room crying. To not
have any friends. Ive always been an outsider, I still
am. I have people I talk to but I dont really have
friends. What is a friend anyways? I have friends taht
are ashelys, i guess. And i have a few of my own. I wish
it wasnt so hard for me to trust. I try to. I guess. I
think i do. I know i do. I like it when people confide in
me, and I help them out, and then they never talk to me
again. But like, I helped out daniel, just sat and
listened to him, and he hasnt blown me off yet, and its
like, woah!! Thats like, majorly impacted me. Its just, I
long so badly to be part of something, to not be on the
outside, to not knwo where I belong. I feel like I belong
most the time at church, because tahts where God wants me
to be. I feel most comfortable with matt, and mary. I
feel like I belong there, and I know God sent those people
into my life. I wish I wasnt so complicated.
I sat there, crying, wednesday night. I felt abandoned. I
thought lisa was my friend, but she was the one leading the
attack. I actually wanted to die. I havent wanted to die
in so long. ive been fighting it. I prayed God would jsut
strike me dead. But he didnt.

I feel kinda like im being a bitch. Im sitting here on the
computer, and mom is working on the toliet of heres, and
colleeen and ashely are painting the hallway. I guess I
dont feel like helping when all im going to get is bitched
at. Besides, theyd tell me to go away anyways. They dont
like me. They just want me to love them, and show them i
care, and leave them alone when they dont want someone to
play with. If i need someone to talk to, or want to use
the phone or talk to my boyfriend, i can go die. But i
gatta bend over backwards for them. I know, tis not really
that bad, but for once id like ot feel respected.

Black is a very comforting colour. Lisa told me I look
alot skinnier when Im not wearing big baggy clothes, and
that i used to be fatter and ive slimmed down, which is
true. I weigh 149 compared to 165. Right now, Im wearing
black jeans, this black tank top of ashleys thats like,
CLEAVAGE!! and keeps trying to ride up on me, adn this
overthingie of hers, its like, a jacket almost, made of
cotton, and it ties across the chest. Its almost a cloak.
Its solid at the top, and grows into a crochet at the
bottom, and the sleeves slightly fan out at the bottom.
*grin* Me likes being a freak, and being a punk, and being
free to express me. That and the fact ive been begging
ashley to let me wear this for 3 months, and she hasnt worn
it yet. *it looks better on me, *wink**

Anyways, I love my man beyond all words, and my God, and my
friends, you guys knwo who you are, I love you all with all
my heart, and thank you guys for being there for me, and Im
always here to return the favour.