2001-10-12 16:13:04 (UTC)


well, this diary thing is turning out to be good. at
least, for me. i'm not very good at remembering to
constantly write something. and, i'm good at writing only
when the going gets tough.

it's only been three weeks since scott and i, or should i
say, scott decided to end our relationship. and, so it has
been ended.

and, i was tossed to the sea. i had to decide either to
sink or swim and i chose to swim. i can honestly sit back
and say that most of our problems stem from some deep
seated fears that i have. the fear of abandonment. the
fear of commitment. the fear of never being enought for
anyone to love. and, all of that stems from the tragic
events that have plaqued my life.

daddy's death. i walked away as a child wondering what i
had done to deserve such a harsh punishment. i believed as
a child that i wasn't beautiful enough or good enough for
my dad to stick around. i thought i was being punished.
and, i carried that with me for the last twenty years.

with ken, i lost my trust in the male species. he was the
man that married my mother, the man that was supposed to be
a father to me. the man that i could trust above all
else. but, that wasn't so. he violated my trust! he made
it so hard to want to be with someone and openly trust
them. and, that isn't fair! part of me hates him. part
of me wants to know why he did what he did. part of me
wants to understand. but, i guess i never will. it's a
part of him that's a sickness. and, so i don't trust

with mom, i've always had to prove to her that i was worthy
of her love. so, once again, i was constantly trying to be
loved. to prove that i was beautiful and smart and fun
enough to be loved by her. it's been a constant battle for
me. and, one that i'm working on. i was given some tips
about how to approach mom. those being, try to tell her
that critisism doesn't feel good. show her how it is that
i would like to be loved. plus, i wrote her a letter, but
haven't sent it. sometimes it's good to do that.

scottie and i are dating. we're still able to see other
people, but he's been hanging out with me. last night, i
felt as if we were just dating. it's like we've just met.
he loves me and i love him. and, hopefully i'll learn to
be able to love unconditionally without the fear of loosing