marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2001-10-12 05:49:44 (UTC)

love & hate

Song of the Day: "What I Am" - Edie Brickell

I was walking back from IV tonight with Jenna and Pacey,
and Pacey was telling a story about how he recently almost
got run over by two buses. He was crossing the two-lane
street, got stuck in the median, and there were two campus
buses going in the opposite direction, and neither
stopped. I asked if he saw his life flash before his eyes,
and he was like "no." But Jenna said that it was kind of a
dumb question, like "oh, you think of yourself when you're
8, then 12," that kind of deal. But I told her that I
don't quite see it in that way. I think of "life flashing
before your eyes" as seeing that snapshot of what you've
made of your life, like your shining moments and your
regrets.

I guess that for some reason I've been feeling depressed.
It's jacked up. I am 20 years old, will be 21 in 6
months. I'm over halfway through college and I haven't
dated in almost two years. I feel pathetic b/c I've been
liking the same guy for over a year and a half yet as far
as I know he doesn't like me back. I feel like I'm wasting
my life.

I was talking to Jenna earlier, b/c after Pacey left after
walking us home, we went back out to get pizza. She was
saying that I could date whoever I wanted to date. But I
don't see it that way. First of all, guys don't usually
ask me out...it's only happened once since the beginning of
my freshman year, and that was when I went home for spring
break...and besides, the dude was 29 years old. At the
time, I was 19...oh no. She mentioned that I have a lot of
guy friends and acquaintances. Granted, I do tend to hang
out with a lot of guys. But they're either friends that
both Jenna and I know, IV guys, or they're fellow RAs. The
guys that I do find interesting are taken or not available
to me, which is basically Pacey, Brad, and Bill.

Brad has a girlfriend and too many issues. Bill is really
cool and really with the Lord, but I think that we are
currently in each other's friend zones, and besides,
considering that Marie used to be obsessed with him, I'd
feel like a complete backstabber if I went there. I think
that my other problem is that it's not that I want to go
and date half the guys at OSU. If I really could date
whoever I wanted to date, as Jenna says, then I would be
with Pacey, period. But dating also involves the other
person's will, and I know that Pacey doesn't want me all
like that...okay, sure he's been giving his share of mixed
signals lately, but I wouldn't think that he wanted me
unless he came and asked me out. Which he hasn't.

I feel like a whining kid that wants to have a particular
toy. The mom is like "no, you can't have that one, but you
can have any of these other toys. As a matter of fact,
some of these other toys are better than this one." But
the kid is kicking and screaming, and she's like "no! But
I don't want those other toys...I want that one!"

It just sucks b/c I don't like the idea of coming out of
college missing out on half of the experience. Part of it
is that it's the last time you're going to be around so
many people your age in close surroundings. It'll be the
largest dating pool you'll ever have. And I'm not seizing
the moment. I honestly don't feel like I can. It's like
everyone is so centered around looks that personality
doesn't mean crap. It's like being centered around so much
shallowness.

But then again I don't know if my problem isn't men in
general as much as it is Pacey. It's like I love him and I
hate his guts at the same time. I do care about him, and I
do love him...he's a really cool person, and I trust him,
for the most part. He's my best guy friend here. But I
don't understand how someone can be your friend and at the
same time think you are the ugliest thing ever created, and
even after two years of being friends, getting to know each
other, going through some mad shit, telling each other
stuff that isn't common knowledge, that he can't get beyond
the way I look. That's the one thing that I have yet to
understand. I don't think I can ever make sense of that.
That's what hurts the most.