ergot and the ju ju queen

antipodean delights...
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2001-10-12 05:14:24 (UTC)

thoughts on "sharing"

I have read someone's diary entry, on my other diary
site... and it is written so well.. explaining how I feel,
when I think about "sharing" someone special.

I tried to tell ergot today, kind of how I feel (not
threatened.. or jealous.. really) but a little ummm upset..
(not upset.. lol gee, I'm not good at this. No wonder I'm
posting this person's entry, to put into words what I
cannot). But how I feel like that now I'm introducing ergot
into my world, the people around me... and I love to do
it.. I am so proud of him.. I want people to know him, and
for him to be part of my world. But in another sense.. I
feel almost like I'm losing the "secret life of us". But
this is just a passing feeling. I feel very secure in
myself. In him. In our 'best friendship'. :) So.. enough
said on that topic.. here's this entry... and I shall give
credit where it's due.. it is written by a person called zwolf12.

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I grew up with two younger brothers coveting everything I
had. There is a reason that older siblings are the first to
put locks on their bedroom doors. Sharing to me meant
giving up something I otherwise had all to myself. It never
felt like a gain. Also, my fellow sharers were little
brothers, meaning whatever I shared ended up broken.
Nothing of mine was ever the same again once I shared it.
So, I hoarded. I hated sharing. It was a losing proposition.

It occurs to me that I still hate it. I've spent the past
several years with those special someones. Never had to
share them. Oh sure, family, friends, but not in our
hearts. We didn't really share each other. While deep in
those relationships I thought I was willing to share. When
you're cemented together, each other's everything, you have
no idea.

But these past weeks, as a single male for really the first
time in my adult life, remind me how much I despise
sharing. When friends love you but have other places to be,
when ladies flirt and then go home to their husbands, when
your ex calls her boyfriend from your bedroom, when you are
home by yourself...sharing is again a zero-sum game, and
you have zero. I'm not accustomed to this role, either.
Usually I'm the one asking the person in bed next to me
what the hell is eating my single friends.

When I got home the phone rang. Enter Michelle. We work
together in the litigation department at the firm. We're
both entry-level associates. We're both angsty,
hypercritical, and perhaps both self-conscious of our
humanness in a department where most have lost theirs. And
no, it's not that. She really is a friend. It has been
refreshing to love in a less intense way lately. Fun
without the drama. Love of both males and females. Nice to
again care about people with no strings. Friends.

Michelle has taken me under her wing lately, partly because
she has had sympathy for my broken heart and loneliness in
Philly, partly because she used to be a paralegal and I
don't know what the hell I'm doing as a lawyer yet, partly
because we have a lot in common, partly because she has
trouble opening up to people and my broken wing presents me
as a softer venture into that arena, partly because she
needs to take care of something and my shtick is to be a
boy who needs a little TLC. Finally, I think she just likes
me. I like her. Nothing wrong with that.

Michelle and I lucked out, being placed only a few office
doors away from each other. We banter back and forth via
email all day, opining, criticizing, etc. The humor is
biting. We walk into each other's offices like they're our
own (otherwise terrible law firm etiquette). Yesterday I
had an extended meeting with a partner, only to return to a
note on my desk saying "Where the fuck are you?" Had to
borrow five bucks from her the other day. She had it out
before I could ask, with that "What would a little mutt
like you do without me?" look on her face. Today when she
put me on speakerphone, I expressed my displeasure at it by
vociferously suggesting that the partner in the office
adjoining hers was secretly a transvestite. I think she
managed to take me off of speakerphone before anyone could
hear, but she was also laughing so hard that she had to
hang up. It really brightens the day. Mostly, lots of
laughing at inappropriate times.

I answered the phone when it rang and it was Michelle
checking in. She had noticed my mood as I left Happy Hour
and wanted to touch base. She understood immediately when I
said I wasn't exactly okay but being out drinking wasn't
the cure. To cheer me up she said that, as I was leaving,
Alison (another close friend of ours) said, "I love him so
much." Michelle added, "We love you." I was grateful.

Then Michelle continued...

She met this new guy. He's dreamy. She didn't think he
would call back, but he did. In fact, she called him only
fifteen minutes later. She was on her way to meet with him.
This was so exciting! I was excited for her. Really. I want
her to be happy...happier than she appears to be now. I
hope it is great for her. She went on to say that she's
pulling me out of the house Friday night. We'll see a
movie. I'll come over for dinner Thursday and we'll sit on
her new sofa. We'll picnic in the park next week. We'll get
groceries tomorrow.

But then this sharing problem resurfaced. Tonight, when I
should be grateful for having people like Michelle in my
life, part of me is resentful that I have to share her.
Funny, I don't want more of her than I have. I'm just not
used to sharing.

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I know this feeling. Do you?


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