Just another girl

Fooling With Words
2001-10-12 04:09:56 (UTC)

false painting

Why am I always sick? For real!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sick all
tthe time, I get better for a miniscule ammount of time..
and then it is back to the no singing stuffy coughing nose
running me. Blah. Stupid family was mean and neglected me
again. They "forgot" I was home sleeping while the fixer-
upper man came and sprayed KILZ all over in our living
room.... very lox oxygen. while sick, whicle sleeping...
and of course we all know that I breathe well anyway with
all my stupid allergies and asthma and sum and substance of
that nature. Yes. Ugh. Stupid. Stupid,stupid, stupid.
I relaly can't deal with stupid people right now. At
marching band practice this morning, I'd had my limit.
Krista crossed the line... she was incredibly wrong, and if
she has been going there the hwole season, she has been
wrong and screwing up the most important diagonal of the
show all year long. gggrr.. Why doesn't anybody tell her!!
@!! I have been out the last two days of school, and I
considered not ever going back, and just sitting around at
my gramas eating and watching home videos all day... but I
was forced to go back, as have commitments. Sigh. Darn
Commitments. I actually got to play piano today, I just
started and I kept playing for almost three hours. I love
nothing else in the world better. Music is the only thing
real and sensible in this world, the only thing that makes
me feel in an unsensitive place. That is so lame, but
Haven't talked to Drew at all yet. I am beginning to get
over him. I'm never satasfied with myself, or with other
people, but then again, why shuld I be? I know I will
never be comletely awefully happy if I am not who I want to
be.. and there is alot of self improvments that need to be
made before I get even near to that place I want to be. I
seem to be making negative progress in that general area,
given I am also not trying relaly hard. But I"m not staying
nuetral.. if I don't try at all, things just go down hill.
I learned how to fake with Drew. How to fake a lot of
things. Happiness, sadness, a whole personality. And in
feigning this perfect person for him, I lost sight of who I
relaly was, and I don't know anymore. See, when I was with
him, I knew hwo I was because I had the hwole me made up
for him, the way I thought he would like it, the way I
thought he needed me, or would love me most. But now that
he is gone, and I don't have to be that person anymore, it
is the hardest thing to be able to just... go back.. and
remember who I was before Drew. SO long ago. three years.
That is so much itme. Especially at this age, and I dunno..
maybe I am who I am because of him, maybe I am who I am not
because of him. I shouldn't give him so much credit for me.
I only needed one thing, and that was time.. but he wasn't
iwlling to give it to me, and I hope I find someone hwo
will. I think I need to give myself some time, before I
let anybody else do it, I have so much to think about, so
much to be, so much to improve on, so many things to do....
so many things i need to hear, and so many things I need to
say. So many things I need to read! I just wanted to know
him.. really really know him.... an for awhile I did, and
it was so wonderufl to be able to see that deep into
someone. But now, it seems like someone painted me a
picture of him, and it gave me this false sense of security
and now I don't know what to think. Why do I have to think
anything??? Why can't I just be.. and not have to worry,
and not have to do. and not have to think.... why can't I
just exist without ?