Lyn

Wandering Mind

well, this is my first entry. a friend recommended it. my
therapist has also said i should keep a journal, so maybe
this will be good for me or something. im so sick of life
right now. its boring and i dont know what to do with it. i
struggle. have you ever felt like youre falling and cant
grab anything to stop yourself? that's how ive felt for the
past two years. my medication helps a little, but something
inside of me is fighting to be the person who wants to die.
the person who slices open her skin in order to watch
herself bleed. the true me. im not fighting it. my medicine
is. its fighting me. i just want to scream "fuck you all!"
and kill myself. i wont. i have a curse of caring too much
about other people. it gets in the way of me getting what i
really want. im a quitter. i want to give up. last week at
dance, i was doing a move and i forgot who i was and where
i was, and just danced. it was great. but that may have
been because i was sick. i sucked that day. but i usually
do. i do not know any other person as low and deservent of
all things bad as myself. i am the dirt that you walk upon.
the dry brittle dust. i cant feel me. i dont know if i can
feel at all. medicated depression is a vicious cycle...its
so odd being happy sometimes, but then going back to how i
used to always be. it hurts to smile. it hurts to think. it
hurts to attempt to feel. i am alone in the dark.