Scenes from a Marriage
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2001-10-11 21:51:11 (UTC)

Thursday, October 11th

We watched Dr. Phil last night, taped from Tuesday and one
of the first questions he asked was what seemed important
before September 11th that doesn't seem important now. So,
hubby stops the recorder and says "what do you think?" I
told him that I used to think that staying together no
matter what was important, but that now I thought my son
seeing me as someone who would not put up with the kind of
crap he had put me through was more important. His jaw
dropped to the floor.

I was kind of mad at him because he had a therapy session
yesterday and I just do not feel like he is addressing the
things that lead him to the affair. I guess I should be
more accurate, I am mad at him almost every day for the
affair and for the pain I feel. He just told the therapist
that we decided not to seek custody and he will have to pay
$300 a month for the next years. Then went on about how things will
be SO much better once we move out of state for my job in 3 years. I
guess he is going to spend the next 3 years of his life on hold while
he waits for us to leave behind his mistakes. That is not what I
want, I want to have a life now, with someone who really loves me. I
told him I think he just feels comfortable with me and change is too
scary for him to think about especially with $300 already coming off
his income, it doesn't leave him with much, if I don't support us.

I then printed out the article Shattered Vows and we took turns
reading it out loud before we went to sleep. He then told me that he
is going to provide me with a list of the accounts on his route, so
that I can reach him, since he cellular phone is always out of
range. I guess I will see if that happens. I had him fill out
papers yesterday to take out loans on our insurance policies, and
when that money comes in I am going to put enough away to pay for an
aparment if I want to leave.

I also e-mailed my "crush" about what has happened since we have
never gotten to talk face to face, I haven't heard back from him---I
am sure he will tell me to work things out.