Mal

Long Gone Days
2001-10-11 21:28:22 (UTC)

Rat Race

Well goddamn it! i'm trekking all the way over to a
different city to go to work, I'm working two jobs, both
part fucking time, getting a pittance every week and is it
worthwhile? Is it fuck! If I could get dole, I'd feel more
fulfilled doing sweet F.A. than pretending I give a shit in
some run of the mill, switched on and 'groovy' shop with
it's shiny happy staff and its nice pine floors......do you
know what I got asked the other day? "Is it ethical to pay
this much for a loaf of bread".........well good
question...need to get looking for something else...don't
think I could cope with three part time jobs so a swift
replacing of the shitty job may very well be in
order....think I'd rather be poor(er) than look back on my
life and ask myself why I grimaced through endless days of
crap.

On a more serious note, I don't cope well with stress, and
this shitty job is abundant with stress, they call me in on
a few hours notice, they're rude, they offer measly
training and it's getting to me.

Another bunch of info about me; I'm sad to say I have
suffered with most every neurological disorder known to
man. I'm a Freudian dream. I continue to battle with
anorexia - although I've managed to keep my weight over 8
stone for years I'm now slipping again. I self harm, I have
depression and have been treated for anxiety and
compulsions in the last few years. That's me. I guess if I
was better off I'd be somewhere hot to recover but as I'm
working class, I muddle on. And anything new is ghastly to
me. I'm afraid of everything, work included, and it cracks
me up.

Things are basically shit. I got beat up last New Year's
Eve and haven't been out since except for a few brief pub
visits. I'm 200 plus miles away from my family and I can't
afford to visit them often. All my friends are moved away.
Could be worse, most of my boyfriend's friends are dead. I
don't know where I'm going. I feel that life is passing me
by...

Incidentally I have no idea if anyone will ever read this
but I have to say now, please don't expect a happy
experience from me! This is my place of purgation.

LISTENING TO MY DYING BRIDE: THE RETURN OF THE BEAUTIFUL