It's Hot in Here...
2001-10-11 06:55:18 (UTC)

Secrets suck...

Today is mine and m's five month aniversery, though if you
use my counting method, its six plus one moth of unofficial
dating, so really seven...I think that is just crazy.
Speaking of crazy, yesterday was very very random...I was at
m's house and we got started talking about some different
things. I brought up sex, which we have been having very
frequently...Being as both of us are Christians, I've been
doing some research on if it's bad for us to be having sex
or not. What I found out from the Bible are two things that
really aren't clear at all...One is that sexual immorality
is bad and the other is that sex is reserved for marrage,
and that's basically it. So the wierd part is that I know
that I am supposed to marry m-, besides the fact that I want
to, God made it pretty clear that I'm supposed to spend the
rest of my life with this man...The only reason why we
aren't married is that I'm still in college and I want to
finish my last year, and have a stable job before we get
married so I can have the money to have the kind of wedding
I've always wanted. So I'm not sure what to do about that,
because the marrige thing seems like a technicality, and I
don't think it's really "wrong" at all...It's nice for us in
a very committed relationship to be able to express our
feelings in a more physical way...So I guess I'll just have
to see where that goes...

But the really shocking thing about yesterday was that m-
told me that he has had a really bad nicotine addiction for
about a year that he had been hiding from me...I couldn't
believe it, I was so shocked, it felt like a huge slap in
the face, but at the same time I didn't want to make a big
deal out of it since he told me after he hadn't smoked or
chewed for one week...But this whole time, I never had any
idea, and I just never thought he would keep anything from
me, but for some reason it feels like I've been lied to...I
mean I had NO idea, and if he could keep something that
major from me for seven months, what else could he keep from
me...Sometimes I feel like there are the biggest ups and
downs with him...It's like things are going along fine and
then all of a sudden out of left field he hits me with this
huge thing...It just bothers me, I really didn't think it
would but for some reason I reacted so normal at first and
then the more I've thought about it, the more it bothers me
and the more it hurts...

Ok, well I need to go to sleep now...