Ramblings of a Mom
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2001-10-11 05:03:48 (UTC)

Sucks to be Good

Well, here we are, I'm back again. Twice in the same
night, so you know it can't be good! I am trying so hard
to keep from crying, and yet at the same time hold the
pieces of my heart together.
I honestly NEVER meant any harm to d's relationship with
his g/f. Whether he will ever believe that or not is now
beyond me. He and his g/f have had their fair share of
problems, and now it seems that his g/f thinks that it is
somehow MY fault! Well, trying to be the honorable person
that I'd like to think that I am, I am keeping the promise
that I made to D a long time ago.
I told D a long time ago that if it ever came down to his
relationship or our friendship, I would walk away. Shit,
how easy that is to say, but yet sooo much harder to do!!
Now my heart breaks, he's alone, and it's MY damn fault!!
All because I have to be a good person and say, hey, you
love both of us, but the higher authority of the two is
forcing you to make a choice, and if not, to dictate the
terms of the acceptance. I don't feel that that is right,
nor do I feel that it is fair, so I walk away.
Shit, I feel like an absolute dog!!! He needs me, and I
walk away! What the HELL am I doing? But on the other
hand, talking to him, I can hear him going through an
emotional tug-o-war and that is not right! I have now been
accused of causing him pain, and that is one thing that I
said that I would never do! I am apparently somehow to
blame for their relationship problems, so what was I
supposed to do?
But then again, will he ever know how much I love him?
Will he know that I am not doing this out of spite or to
hurt him? But only to protect him? I hope that he
understands. I would love to give him what he wants, which
is both of us, she as his g/f, and me as his friend, but if
it's not agreeable to all parties (the g/f included), then
it doesn't work. And I refuse to cause him pain!!!
I talked to him tonight on the phone, and he just kept
asking me (as he's asked many, many times before), 'What do
I do? What am I supposed to do?' And I couldn't answer
him. Does he understand why? Please God, let him know, I
beg you!!! It would be easy and even downright simple for
me to give him the answers to his questions, but I also
know that his heart is with his g/f. I understand how that
works, that if I say something (even if it makes all the
sense in the world), and he looks at it through her eyes,
and she disagrees, I become the devil. I can't do that!
Not only that, I know him, and I know his heart. So, even
if I gave him all the textbook right answers, even turning
my heart off, and just using my mind, his heart is still in
this, and it could very easily be turned around in his mind
that I did it out of spite or for my own good.
I feel in my gut and in my heart that he would know in his
heart or mind, somehow, that I was only speaking the truth
to him, being totally impartial and honest, but with his
loyalties and heart at stake, emotionally he wouldn't want
to hear it from me. All it would take would be for him to
feel slighted somehow, or to have an emotional day, and I
would catch holy hell, and to be honest, I can't take as
much of that as I used to. So, therefore, I keep it mum,
so to speak, and just listen, not offering any answers.
Again, I just hope and pray that he knows that no matter
what happens, I wish him the best, and I love him.