Yellowletterdays

yes i was crazy but...

i went to be analyzed by 2 psychologists who said i was just seeking attention. ok, the first one said that when i was 8 or 9. the truth is i disengaged from reality trying to get the life i wanted. if the ex-president is doing it now just deciding that reality is not reality i'd like to be rewarded for having taken a small part in 1988 of pioneering the behavior of not taking accountability. also, i have been the only one taking accountability since then because my grandfather the former marine told me he would kill me if i ever did that again.
in fact, i'd like to argue that there is a rather sizable portion of our population who did in fact think someone in their own family was going to kill them. between my grandfather and father, i was sure one of them would kill me before old age.
i saw the second man who did not accuse me of attention seeking but seemed concerned that our blended family was not blended and some of us lived as if we were refugees in our own home. trust me, if we got new things it was because something was said by someone who was not related to us. or we got stuff to keep people from running their gobs about the difference made between the children living in such together but, separate conditions.
i would have killed to keep my younger siblings alive. when i say my younger siblings i mean my blood siblings. i would have given my step siblings in sacrifice to alleviate all of the woes in my life. when i first met them i thought my grandfather had had 2 new kids. they also let me know that our presence was not wanted and that we were just taking attention from them that our father was giving them as if we never existed. i mean if you know them then yes they grew into worthwhile adults but i don't want to know. i hear my youngest makes me look like a walk in the fucking park. also, the fact that my older sister acts much the same as when were younger makes my heart skip beats.
so, yes, i was crazy but, in my defense, i don't actually have one. i have gone this whole time being an undiagnosed unmedicated individual and i did not fail in the way a lot thought i would. i was the shitty sacrifice who climbed out of the pit on my own. what help i did get was not from anywhere you would expect. what expected help i was getting was very little from those who got a ton.
i was crazy but my father was right. people ain't shit. what he should have said was those related to you ain't shit.