The Real Me
Convo with Ex Husband Mateo
Conversation with Mateo
[09/10, 12:33] H: Everytime I open up to look at the trauma....it's too hard and the people around me don't understand. You're probably the handful of people whoe genuinely get it.
[09/10, 12:34] H: Like what PTSD really is and what it looks like.
[09/10, 12:34] H: They think it's as easy as snapping your fingers waking up and saying right today I'm gonna be and do things different
[09/10, 12:34] H: And be positive
[09/10, 12:35] H: When in reality " facing your demons and taking charge" for someone with PTSD looks like allowing the trigger and them battling through it when your mind is playing games. Like when you're on drugs and youre paranoid and telling your brain it's not real it's the drugs.
[09/10, 12:35] H: But doing that consistently everyday
[09/10, 12:36] H: I don't wish this upon anyone.
[09/10, 12:37] H: How do I get ppl to understand that I'm afraid I'm going to get killed today and those feelings when I was younger was real. They aren't made up delusions it was real. And I now have to tell my brain it's not real when well it was.
And I have to convince myself I'm safe now. Am I though ? Like how the hell do I know that I am?
I am so so triggered by M and D telling me I victimise myself and that I always make it about me and that I'm selfish. I feel sick to my stomach and now I feel like I can't say anything incase I'm making it about me or being selfish or they think here she goes again...it has taken me thousands of steps back in my "recovery" but I also know that they are right and I need to take charge. I am embarrassed. Humiliated.
I need support. I know they mean well. I explained how I feel in relationships, I explained the " PTSD" and she got it. She was shocked that this was what I was going through.
D had to tell M that I wasn't being dramatic, that this was very real. But I still don't think he gets it. I feel like I have to distance myself because his inability to be "supportive" is killing me inside. He wants everything to be calm and " positive" inside my heart is pounding, my chest is in my throat, I'm having an internal panic attack. I'm screaming, I don't know where I am anymore. I'm needing to cling on to him for dear life because I am so afraid and his reaction ( rightfully so as he doesn't know what's going on) is to say " ...could you chill, let's just watch the movie, I don't need a hug" ultimately I cant talk, I can't seem comfort, I can't react, I can't cry in front of him. What can I do? It's incredibly damaging to my mental health to keep it in for someone else when there's no real help for this at the moment. I can't till I get support. Hopefully EMDR which I pushed for today.
I feel sick. I said I wouldn't drink. But having a few drinks is the only thing that stops the spiral. The thing that doesn't completely push people away, like it's the lesser of evils till I get help.
Ive also been having night terrors. Waking up screaming, waiting to be attacked.