Vanilla

I went to this girls house ..

I went to this girls house yesterday whom I've gotten to know for a few months, myself and this other new girl went over to hers...I didn't want to really go but I made myself anyway. And she had invited another new girl. Anyway I had the best time. She had a paddling pool and we sat drinking in the sun and just having a girly day. We went out...I haven't been out drinking in a bar for ages. Anyway I woke up hungover and feeling like shit today...I miss Matt...or more so...miss being connected to someone. The lonliness hit me today. Matt came over the day before yesterday as I told him i need a handover of all the security systems in the home etc. He ended up " opening up" to me...he got teary eyed and told me that he loves me and always will but its a shame that he cant be with me. I wasn't feeling much...but I duno it made me feel shit to...have thos deep conversation with him. We sat in the hallway just going over how If the kids didn't come into the picture our life would be different. But in reality...I know that we couldn't be together anyway because I'm very different to him. If it wasn't for the kids...I think I would have been stuck in this marriage for longer. I don't know what I miss. But I know that there's parts of me that feel this deep lonliness and emptiness. This void. I just wish life could have played out differently. I can't really see myself with someone again. I think I'm afraid...afraid of losing the house...afraid of the business growing...afraid of how I'm going to handle all of this...afraid of losing my life over here...afraid I won't be anything.. that i will sink into a pit of depression and never come out of it...I don't feel as afraid of the lonliness as I did when I was younger. It isn't as agonising and intolerable anymore...but it's still there.

...what if I don't survive this?