Vanilla

The more days that ..

I don't want to go down the route of psychological abuse but im literally being as fair as i can be to him- I'm helping him, giving him shares in my business and then I'm getting hit with homeownership orders from him which fair enough he applied for before he came to an agreement but im like cool ok so you're gonna cancel it and he's like yeah and I'm like cool so you need to let them know you will never claim rights to my home again and that you and your children are completely and fully housed and forgoe all your rights to my home and he's like " your forcing me to sign something and i feel bullied now...I don't want to do that" ok...so you want to take full advantage of me and get the best deal fir yourself but I'm not allowed to protect myself? so he's happy to withhold my business loan money till a lawyer signs of that I can't ever come after him in court after that for anything marriage related ever again which by the way he isn't even sure is possible to fo probably because my rights are being violated so hard 😂 And STILL I'm agreeing yet he doesn't want to sign anything where he might not be able to come after my house. Because according to him I'm bullying and abusing him because I told him that I only agree to our terms if he agrees to never come after me again and leave me alone. Does he actually hear himself? If this isn't gaslighting I don't know what is, because I'm sitting here asking myself am I the abuser? I'm trying my best to help him but when he acts like this what can I do? Every advice I get is going down the route of legal aid ...down the route of straight up control and psychological abuse and Im having to tell evey professional that I don't want to take that route. Like at a bear minimum, you went into my safe- in my home ( albeit you had personal documents too) but you also took my passport, birth certificate, exam results... oci etc...every important document too of mine. I get his intent wasn't to steal but it doesn't look good. So if im telling you just return it ASAP maybe don't say " I forgot " and maybe do it straight away. But also... Like...do you have a life? That your throwing random orders about, how about you focus on your business and make some money than go after a 32 year old as a 50 year old man. I dont even care about the basic abuse. I just want to focus on my business and move on and he just won't let it be. I don't want to drag your petty ass to court. Just fucking stick to the deal and stop being a snake. Urgh. I'm so sick of this shit.

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The more days that go by the more I just feel unsafe around him. I dont want him to be near me...I don't want him in my life but unfortunately I have to deal with him and not unsafe where I'm worried about my life..unsafe as in..he's a stranger to me, he betrayed me...who is this person...he doesn't have my best interest at heart and that makes him dangerous because he controls all of my IT systems...I need to get rid of it all. I just can't get my head around people like him. Who does that? Who does what he did? And he truly believes he's a victim. He believes he has been a victim his entire life. Maybe he has, i know he's been through his own trauma. But how much do you forgive?...when does he take responsibility? I feel sorry for him because nobody likes him...he doesn't have any friends, any family... nobody close to him as he says. He is a failure...he's failed his business, his marriage, his life....down to his kids. Life can't be easy. But also...you're kind of a bad person.you steal, lie and cheat people and you admit it and justify it...I've told him this before...his ingenuity and beleif of " I'm always right no matter what" throws people off and is off putting. I guess stuff like that worked in the old days and you could get far in business. It just doesn't work like that anymore so no wonder nobody wants to buy into him anymore..maybe he wasn't always like this ? He won't ever acknowledge any of his flaws because he's so afraid of any criticism that he will just crack if he actually has to look at what a shitty person he's become. That's what i see in him...that's why I feel sorry for him. But I'm so tired of being the punching bag. I understand...I always understand I keep telling him I won't paint him to be an abuser and no matter how much I say to him I'm not trying to make him look bad...it always ends up there. What options do I have left? Why are you pushing me to do something i don't want to do? I don't want to destroy his life....I just want to live. I just want to fucking live. I want to have a home, be stable...and have the space to grow my business and discover myself and be independent...out of the darkness of the divorce...I see the light in me... I'm pretty fucking amazing....I've been through all of this...and I'm still here...I'm still ok. I've found my passion,my talent...I'm pretty smart....no...I'm very smart. And I'm a good person. Even if it bites me in the ass. I can stand here today and say I'm proud of myself. I've bought some kind of value to this earth...and in the Last year...weirdly enough I've met so many amazing supportive wonderful people...its just.. amazing. I feel like I'm becoming my own now...as for him. I get it...I'd hate to be where he is...he isn't proud of himself and he's bought nothing to this earth. But im trying to help...I'm saying I will look after him in future...not even out of force. If I do well...I don't mind giving him the profit. But I'm giving you a hand and you're trying to take my whole body. Don't make me do this Matt. Just...please will you let me just reach my potential...I'm letting you benefit from this too. What do I do? If I don't get help, legal advice, legal aid and research everything then he can come after me and take full advantage of me because he's now made it clear he just...doesn't care about me and will do anything to get as much as possible. But if I get help...I don't know what will happen and I can't control the outcome, if I open up..it stops being in my hands..I can see this spiraling and him getting seriously hurt...it goes straight down the road of him being a perpetrator because unfortunately woman do have more rights than men and I'm trying not to exercise that...if I say anything it ends with him in trouble...or more so..adding to his own trauma and invalidation. He's wronged me, yes...I'm not sure it deserves a lifetime of punishment.