2023-11-19 07:19:18 (UTC)


I don't know which of the many diaries I've started here, not sure what prior entries say.....
This is my house, Welcome! You may choose to observers, invest the entries, but I warn you , Nothing makes sense.

He's gone right now 9 days. 9 days I thought would be productive, healing, enlightening and rough. I was faced to admit I need treatment. I can't do it alone, although I did want to believe it, and I did for way to long.
Here we go again, no way out of admitting it to him. He thought I stopped a month or 2 I must face him. What will he do with this information? How will he take it? He will imply devastation, of the news- happily place me away then call M$%#@= and D%#&> and Y*"#$&; and cry on thier shoulders, play my absent to the hilt, all while phone call of support will only be shared with me. He will victimize the shit out of it for 30 days. 30 days later I return home - it gets all shut down- this is what I've learned.
I also have learned I don't really hate my life.... I hate the choices that have impacted my life. I own it, I own all of it
So much has been lost irreplaceable and I alone fucked it up. I'm tired of lies I tell myself I'm tired of making ridiculous and under the influence choices. God the ideas and stuff I start loaded then have to later face how unthought through alot of projects I create.
I'm tired of this mess. The mess I created and the mess I live in.

Ice cream carmel sauce candy pecans whip cream. Yum

One question while my words are being judged- have you ever hated yourself?

I have for a long time throughout my life. it hurts

So, I have read every entry posted, it is indeed where I left off.
I stand before you unsuccessful, maybe it's unwilling the words are truly from my heart I regret returning to this state. Shame, disgust, hurt disappointment, anger without - empty.

So much easier to just disappear. Nobody really sees me. Except you.