Early Morning : Living With The After Effects Of Chronic Enduring Anxiety.
It's nearly six o'clock in the morning and I have been awake since 03:30 a.m.
I get tired really easy nowadays. After writing this, I shall try and get some more sleep, in the form of a nap. Each night's sleep is the same : 5 or so hours uninterrupted and then one to two naps of a little over an hour. My body won't let me sleep for 7 hours straight anymore.
Today is Day 61 of having a heart that's beating hard enough for me to feel, including ectopic heartbeats. The condition is improving now. Immensely relieved about this improvement too. Very much so. When it first started right at the beginning of September, it was more or less continuous throughout each day. I had to have a dozen or more ECG's, a few ambulance callouts and even two trips to the closest hospital ED. For the month of September and some of October, I have been making multiple trips to my Health Center and this heart of mine has kept me very busy indeed. Monday, I received the appointment letter from the hospital for a Holter monitor at the cardiology clinic for outpatients. This is the first part, then next month I get the echo test. I almost cried with relief just receiving it. (Sorry never read the letter properly. The echo test is December. The type of echo test where the patient is given a drug that speeds their heart up.
Tomorrow Wednesday I am back at the hospital for my leg. It's not working properly. Both my heart and my leg have never had this kind of trouble before. I'll be 61 in January. The early aging phase is gruelling. No two ways about it. I have truly put some effort into my health these past two months and I feel like I have done well for myself and my supportive others, and the health professionals who care for me. My gratitude is great. I've been on this journey for 61 days that started out with me being too scared to go to sleep at night to asking God to let me wake up in the morning to simply being grateful for being alive. I'm doing my best to not take life for granted and have gone from living each day as if it were my last, to living life to the full. Every day the fullness of life can be achieved even if it is just in some small way or some particular area of life. I cannot rip shit and bust my way through life anymore. There needs to be new and more improved and better beginnings now. I need to learn to cultivate a more healthier respect for my life and body. This health rock bottom has taught me that. The hard way as per is usually the case.
Here in New Zealand, there's a tropical ex-cyclone called Lola battering parts of our country in the North Island. It's pretty scary and my heart goes out to our uppermost Northland folk and the Coromandel Peninsula. This extreme weather worldwide is relentless in its paths of destruction. Definitely Biblical. Amidst it, we can find a calming peace and look to The One who can effortlessly calm every storm.
Captain Cook was a primary discoverer of New Zealand. He discovered a people already living here. Then the settlers arrived next with Christianity and colonization and the land wars took place. Today New Zealand is one of the most powerful, yet smallest first world countries in modern times. We're only slightly behind now due to the phenomenal leaps and strides of this technological era. Did you know our telecommunications system nationwide is completely digital? We have digital Freeview television in New Zealand and it's been this way for a decade. I don't know why they did that.
Anyway I love my country...even though my heritage is not of these shores.
Up until Christmas time I am busy. I don't want to be busy. I just want to stay curled up in bed like I did through Winter. That is not good for me. It made me more sick. But still, I don’t want to be busy. I'll have to Kaizen my way through the last weeks of 2023 and go forth with a lighter heart and brighter attitudes. (Not easy.)
I've made a new friend and we will be meeting for the first time on Wednesday which is tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I really do. It's a precious blessing to have good friends in life. He likes networking and so do I.
I want my leg to heal, so I can walk normally. I need my power of walking back.
I need my asshole neighbours to leave me alone.
At Outreach last night Johanna was a complete bitch to me. I have had enough of the shabby way in which she treats me.
Instead of just offering me a civilized hello, she sidled up to me with a verbal comment while sneering. For a four-foot-something, elderly woman, she surely can pack a hefty non-Christian punch. I'm tired of her religious arrogance, so I've decided to pull out of Outreach. It's been a four-&-a-half year journey of learning to tolerate Johanna's personality. She's an emotional dumper and carries a bitter streak of discontent, yet won't do a thing about it. She dumps instead. My ex is like her only he has severe perversions that I want nothing to do with anymore. He's out of my life too finally after 20 plus long years. He too purports to be Christian. Trying to help him has inevitably ruined me. There's a positive part to those 20 plus years but tragically the toxic dysfunction far outweighs the good.
I need to appreciate and detect danger long before it begins to overwhelm and suffocate me. This is not how anyone is meant to live and working this shit out in writing is hard work and I'm beginning to get tired, so I'll stop. I've given myself a headache...