Someone

Today's the day

Today I will accomplish getting through the day without using. I have a positive mindset at this moment and I am going to do my best to just hold on and not give in.
I had almost 20 years under my belt then my ex I spent 14 years with died. That moment I saw him lifeless on the floor my mind already chose not to accept or deal with it so I did what ii had to do to not hurt. I became numb and stayed numb for so long . There is a huge amount of shame that accompanies addiction especially when you have not used in so long. The years just keep ticking by like a blink of the eye. 1-2-3-6-7-8 the pain that comes with just facing the position I've put myself in causes my heart to pound my breath to waver and tears build up in my eyes.
I'm not happy with so many issues at home...am I preventing myself from taking action by staying numb?
I look in the mirror to see a stranger looking back at me. I feel at fleeting moments the emptiness of being lonely only to know I cut ties so you can't see my shame.
Looking within I wonder how I lost that funny, spontaneous, beautiful , kind and caring being. I don't like what I have evolved into after 8 - 9 years. I lost everything I have ever stood for my morals ethics. I have to stop its beginning to become overwhelming facing who I've become.