Karma Rose

My Secret Thoughts
2023-10-02 07:58:24 (UTC)

Why can't the sweetness just stay in my soul...

Dear Stranger,

I’m actually even more sick than I was yesterday- my head is throbbing and I’m coughing my mucus out. There’s a lot I want to say today, but, to be frank, I’m just to tired to even move my fingers right now. A few events happened today- this was the most notable one:

Normally, I wouldn’t go to the store with my mom, much less be able to drive her around. There’s a few reasons why- time and… the fact that there is a high probability that we are going to have a nasty fight. Today though- my mom and my older brother were urging me to go with her… just she and I. I rulunctly accepted despite declining all the other requests before that- even after I accepted, I said I changed my mind- too late though- I had to go. I went and… well- I was quite the whole time, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack at any moment and I felt like picking a fight with my mom for no apparent reason at all. She would be talking trying to have a conversation with me and I just sat there in silence like there was a war going on inside me. There was also a feeling of how much I hate myself… The way I look, the way I behave, how cowardly I am… Like if we were to get into a car accident, I know I would have to talk for the both of us- maybe it’s the fact that I always felt that kind of responsibility when I was younger. My mom has never been in a car accident- now that I think about it- there was this one instance but that- nvm that’s not the point. Anyways, going out with her today reminded me why I don’t go out with her in the first place- because of these feelings. I am fine with anyone else or with another person/s in addition to my ma… I just can’t with her. It’s not even her… it’s me…

I’m trying to fill my current world with sweetness to combat the darkness in me. *cough* Gosh, so edgy *cough* Just a ton of popsicles, chocolate cake, and pop-tarts. As I said a bit ago, there’s a lot I want to say… but I’m just too tired- I’m going to go eat a pop-tart right now.

Until next time,