LifeAsABullet

008

Listening to: JamisonParker's Sleepwalker album <3
Sipping: Stiegl Radler grapefruit? It is some wine cooler basically...
Feeling: Like I need a break but also don't want one.

Today was an okay day. I did not go to the pool again because they closed it "due to health concerns." Whatever that means... It is being shocked and will reopen tomorrow so I'll go then. I am kind of glad it was closed because it gave me a reason to take a break. Mom and I went out around town and mailed off some stuff to my brother for his Halloween party. One cool thing we did was go to this Asian store that I've never heard of until today and it was not in the best part of town but it had the same quality of vegetables Mom was telling me are out in Hawaii. We went to Whole Foods and ate sushi together. We talked about how we're both ready to move.

After we got home, I showered and went to the park to run. I'm about to hop in the jacuzzi tub and relax with my little grapefruit drink. I got my 8.5 mile workout in but I have been feeling extra achy lately. I know I need to give my body a break but I am afraid I'll fall off the wagon and give up dieting and working out if I give in to an excuse. "It's too cold" or "one more couldn't hurt." are my mortal enemies!

Work is great, my language lessons are great, nothing really to report out of the ordinary.

Boots is blasting his music. I know it is the weekend. And I know he has nothing better to do. And I imagine he is lonely and that making this racket somehow makes him feel happier but good god it pisses me off sometimes. Speaking of him, I was thinking about writing an entry as if I was talking to my lifecoach/psychic and fill her in about him, and everything else going on in my life. Why not do that now?

Hey Cassandra,

I feel like I've been up to a lot since we last had a session. Last time we talked, I was obsessively thinking about Boots and driving myself mad. I was stressed about school and generally everything else. I was very unfocused and scattered. In July, I am not sure why...but I decided to sign up for a membership to the wellness center pool. It was such a good experience and I felt so great afterwards that I decided to go daily. I also started running daily. Between running, swimming, and sitting in the sauna, I noticed I would come home and easily fall asleep. I felt like I didn't have all this pent up energy. So much so that the obsessive thinking and trying to create chance run in's with him seemed to be undesirable. I'd also leave after I got off work so I would not be home when he would get home. And I would roll up to the house around 9pm. The pool and running have helped shift my energy elsewhere. I have a long way to go to be where I want to be with my body but I am proud of my efforts. I am most proud of how it has helped me not drive myself mad over him.

I don't know what came over me but sometime in August, I reached out to my Dad and asked him about his plans for Labor Day. He said he was free and I decided to drive up and see him for the first time in over 20 years. It was long overdue. I think I was afraid of seeing him because seeing him meant seeing my family that lives nearby and it felt like an overload. Especially since I'm gay and was not sure what they thought of that. I think with me staying away for so long, it was almost like I had the power. I could stay away and then ensure I would not be rejected for being gay. I was afraid. To my surprise, the family embraced me and loved me. I mentioned to my Dad that I did not know they would accept me and he said it is more than acceptance, it is love! I loved being there so much that I took a good long look at where I'm at now and decided I'm done with Alabama. There is nothing here for me. Everyone besides my mom is either dead or have moved away themselves. My grandmother and uncle are here but I have not spoken to them in four years and have no intentions on doing so. I feel angry that I ceded so much control over my life to them. And I'm sometimes angry my mom did too. The point is, no one is here. This house is the last thing holding me here. I still have about $1,000 in flooring to install and then the house will be presentable for some stupid realtor to come in here and take photos. My plan is to sell within a year.

On the way to see my Dad, I drove through Nashville. I feel like I have seen Nashville at some point over the last few years but it has been awhile since I have been to Downtown Nashville. I think the last time was sometime in 2015 or 2016. It took me back. I first thought of Brandon, this first dude I met on Grindr in 2012. He was still closeted and we became close that summer. I wanted so desperately then to get out of this one horse town that I refused to let the distance be an issue. Ultimately, the distance was an issue for him and he pulled back. But I remember those nights. Feeling alive. Making corn dogs from scratch. Pouring oil over a balcony. I felt like I had a god damn life. I don't know how to explain it because it was so short. Like a few months. But when I saw the signs in the night, the memories were back. And it was another reminder that I cannot stay here any longer than I have to.

I'm not sure how I will address my move with Boots. I feel sometimes that all of this could be in my head and he couldn't care less, or he could care a lot and be shocked. I have 11 months to figure that out though.

I'm trying to grow and step out of my comfort zone. It is hard. It's probably hard for all of us in different ways. I want so badly to tell Boots how I feel and then I also am scared of shame, rejection, humiliation, and embarrassment. But I think what I am most afraid of, is not saying anything at all.

Take my example with my Dad. 20 years of thinking the religious family would hate me only to find out they love me and embrace me. All of that time... could have been spent happy. It is time to stop giving a fuck, which is easy to say, but when the moment comes... so does the inevitable shut down.

---

I'm sure I could have wrote that a lot better for her but it is what it is. I have been getting lost in those AI psychics. They are a lot of fun...and practical...

Okay, I'm outta here. Cya peeps. =) I might do one of those Q&A things later. Remember those from like MySpace bulletin days? lol