2023-09-30 23:31:55 (UTC)


i got up and greeted my husband when he got home from work this morning. that's normal for us. my schedule doesn't change when his does. i talked to my "sister" today. she's really like the only friend i have had for like the last 20 yrs of my life. i know people thought i couldn't maintain that but i have and honestly, it's because i make her accept me for how i am. who i am changes. people change and all the men/women i've met want me to change. it's never so i'm better it's so they don't stand out by being next to me. yes, to focus im using a rainstorm sound but, if i don't the words stick. if it's music i have to move. i wish i could sit still when i want to. i actually didn't sit a whole hell of a lot today. starting to go to the gym with my husband on tuesday. yes, it's one day a week but, to be fair, i try to remain as a mouse in this apartment while the little faye is away.
her kids were with me all day and we did the chores of shopping because i need people to body double or i'm stuck. i never had to do these things alone. i'm sure it's because i don't trust myself. the financial strides i have been able to show my husband about just interacting positively with others in the world is paying off. he's accepted some of my no, we must accept some of the old appalacha ways. our families come from the foothills in kentuckey and the hills of tennessee. we don't get to play those games. so i get to put the cinnamon broom above the door. i make sure mirrors never face a bed. if we had a house by the woods the curtains would be closed by 7:30. we don't talk about things in the tree line. we walk to the apartment calmly. we do acknowledge we think my husband brought in the strangest feral cat into the house. he is a google active. i do not clean as i should at the ides but, they keep saying the first and my soul says the ides. but, the noise would be too much in this structure we are blessed with. by who is up to you. to me it's many and one.
you make me think if you make fun of me i will cry. i won't where you can see it. i did enjoy being busy but, they are exhausting. one of them got upset because she really did say sorry a billion times but, she never changed her behavior. so it was not an actual apology and i was like stop right now or you won't come back. to her devastating. truthfully though. she knew had been reminded plenty. she does not have a shrill voice. she just gets shrill.
i have to attend a bbq for my husband's job on friday next. a bbq with guns. he told me today he describes me as unique in the fact that i would have been the best E4 mafia member of all times. he proudly proclaims "fellas she was raised by a vietnam-era marine vet who was a cop and did not get the help." i have concise answers for the moves i make for us financially. i watch the politics here and everywhere, i watch the stock markets, i watch the banks, i take it all in as i clean our small apartment. i do not buy things just to have things now. i buy with intention and thoughtfulness of it's impact on the the earth. you're more than welcome to think i am absolutely crazy. i wish i could explain to you that it was not all dumb luck but, truthfully it's just intuition. you don't have to read any further. it's probably just my brain working silently triple-double overtime. it's past time to change the color of my favorite well-made leather good. you can yell at your price point it's well made. that's a true statement. i'm not ashamed of that. i earned the money to make those purchases. my family will be happy. they will all be where they want to be with those they want to share their life with. if that is without me i understand. i was here to raise humans and in that task, i do not think i did the worst. i didn't do exceptional work but, i improved where i could when i could.
i often reply to my husband with copy sarge. or affirmative sarge. negative sarge. he loves it. i'm the muse and he writes with hard work. laugh, scoff if you must. i'm here to love him. to love those around in ways that help not hinder. i have to concentrate on those within my reach who need more than most want to give. these beings are not my soul strings being pulled but, an answer to the hope no one gave me. it won't be sad when it ends as that is an understood consequence given our social status. you can only depend on me for so much. i don't even have the cash to comfortably go sit in jail. that's an unnecessary expense. i spent to way more money on you than i spent on myself or kids. it's not a condition. it's a consequence of the fact that we do not live together and i am not beholden to your parents for a roof over my head.