2023-09-26 23:49:16 (UTC)

tw sui

i’m so suicidal it hurts. its a chronic never ending sorta feeling. i can feel every single pain of the path down this road again, and it fucking sucks. it’d be so much easier if i didn’t care. i wish i didn’t. i wish i could drink and just forget but i can’t. either ive gone insane or it just feels like the universe wants me to feel every depth and every corner of my pain. drenching me in literal sorrow and an ache in my chest i can’t escape. it actually hurts to be suicidal. it hurts to know you wanna hurt yourself so bad but can’t because u care too much about your family. and when i finally do, maybe itlll be like last time. where everyone is just angry with me, doesn’t know how to talk to me. but what if i was just dead. what if i was just gone, what if i’m being forced back down this road again as an out. i can’t trust myself, there’s nothing to trust anymore. either path i take it’s all a lie. but how hard have i ever really tried. how much of my entire soul did i put into it, did i put as much agony as i feel right now into it. when you finally get to doing it everything feels so silly. it’s life or death. it’s bleeding or continuing on as if nothings wrong. my thoughts are following me around and chasing after me with a knife. and there is no one to see it. no one could even fathom how much i feel right now. i feel everything i remember as much as i can in this very moment and it’s so overwhelming. i don’t want to die and i really don’t want to live but my pain is just bottling up and up and i feel like i’m gonna disintegrate from being so heartbroken by the world. i feel choked up and my throat hurts. my own words make me cry because of how raw it all is. i’m not even speaking yet typing these words is making me feel bare and my thoughts opened to the world. i don’t know what to do. i wish someone would decide for me but i can’t put my life in someone else’s hands. i cant love myself. i hate myself so much i could stare at myself for five seconds and all the thoughts and voices would come back. i look down at my wrists and all i see is blood that isn’t even there. dripping down from past relapses. they’re just memories but when i feel like i want to relapse or relapse to death it just feels like i can feel every single feeling inside my arms desperately trying to get out just like how i’m desperately trying to get out. except i never cant. nothing ever can. i can’t accept myself. ive tried so hard but i will never be good enough for myself, i don’t know why but that’s just how it is. it hurts so brutually i can’t explain my pain more than beyond these words. i’m just laying here and crying pathetically, tears fall out of my eyes and i’m not even blinking.