AmberG

26/09

Another weird dream last night. I was trying to move back to Wales and I had like 6 cats to move. Penny's carrier was broken and she got out. We were in a shop and I had to catch her. She wasn't happy about it but we got her into another carrier with some kittens. We were at a service station and left her in the car while we went inside. And I messaged Ben to tell him not to tell the landlord I was moving. Then I was like I've changed my mind. I wanna go back home but my sister was driving and said it's too late. We got back to the car and as we're about to get in it out of nowhere this tsunami came and took the car. I was diving down trying to find my babies. It was horrible. I'm glad I woke up. That's not the first time I've dreamed about a tsunami. What does it mean. I think it's trying to tell me I'm at risk of losing Penny permanently if I'm not careful. She's my baby and she will always be my baby. No matter where she is. Her and me have been to hell and back together. But we always had each other. Now I feel like I'm losing her. She loves mum and she now tolerates dad. And since she's been there she hasn't pulled her fir out. I love her with all my heart and I want to do what's best for her. I need her to be happy. Once the kittens have gone and Bob has been fixed so she can't have anymore. I will try and get her back. I have a plan and if it doesn't work then I'll have my answers. Amigo should stop chasing her away once the kittens are gone. And Penny should hopefully come back. If it doesn't calm him down I'll have to think seriously about him staying with me. I love him but if he can't stop being aggressive towards her he can't stay. I think he'll calm down once he has been fixed. And it should stop him fighting with Ben's cats. Ben keeps trying to deny that it's his cat but I know it is. And he knows exactly which cat it is. Keeps saying it's the cat from nextdoor. It's not it's one of his. Like I know he can't control them but he could at least take responsibility. His cats are practically feral and this is why I don't want him to have one of my kittens. And he can't afford the vets treatment. What if it gets sick. He can barely look after himself. I'm not being mean but it's true. He's got so many health conditions that he's not taking seriously. He needs an operation which they won't do while he's drinking. It honestly could kill him. I have to message him every day if I don't see him just to check he's still alive. He's a hermit he only really leave his van for shopping and his regular appointment in town on a Wednesday. I do worry about him. I probably shouldn't but that's just my nature.

I think I almost made mum wet herself earlier. It was so funny. So dad was watching a thing about stalkers. So we started talking about stalking people. They were joking around saying of a stalker was looking through the bedroom window they'd get scared. Anyway dad said the woman from van 6 could stalk him and mum said she'd take one look at him and go back to her partner. I said she'd take one look and go back to Specsavers. Me and mum were laughing. Dad tried to be offended but even he was laughing. I love visits like that. We were full on laughing for a good few minutes.

I'm worried about him. He's not well and he saw a doctor but he didn't give him anything to help. He had his flu jab so hopefully that's it. I always refuse to have my flu jab because it always gives me the flu. The only reason I had the COVID vaccine was because he bullied me into it. Kept demanding I have it done or he wouldn't see me until I did. So just to shut him up I had it done. Totally regretted it. I should have stood my ground but at the time I would have done anything to see him. Yeah I was stupid. And I've just realised how controlling he is. Like he would always make me choose so that when it went wrong (which it did a lot) he could blame me. He would never be the one to make a decision and it drives me crazy. That's why he said we could only be friends. Then a few months later he changed his mind and said he only said for a while. I call bollocks. That's why he was blaming me for ending it. And that's why he said I had to decide if we got back together. I never said yes and now he's gone back to how we were before assuming we're back together. He manipulates me. I see it but I don't want to believe it. He wants us to meet again in the woods. If I meet him again it will be in a hotel where I can relax. I don't want to be in a cold dark wood in the middle of nowhere. What if someone stumbled across the tent. I mean the spot we go to would be great for hiding a dead body so no one would just stumble across us. But it will still be cold and it will still be dark. I wanna be in a warm hotel room. I don't care what he wants. He wants me to make the decisions well here it is. We will only meet in a hotel. Though I am half tempted to go to the woods with him, tie him up so he can't get away and leave him there. See how long it takes for someone to find him. Sooner or later someone will be walking along the main footpath. But to get to the spot where we go we have to go through really thick dense bush. It's why I don't like going there. It's a 10 to 15 minute walk. Then we have to fight our way through the bush and the ground is uneven. With my legs and knees it's a nightmare. We set the tent up have about maybe an hour and a half then we have to pack the tent up in the dark and fight our way back to the main footpath and hike for 20 minutes (it takes me longer to walk back) back to the car. And it never seems long enough. At least when we meet in the hotel we have longer. He gets there just after 7 and he has to leave again by 10. So we get 3 hours. He promised me once that one day he will stay the night. But he didn't know when. I believed him for a while. But it never happened. And I know it never will. I also suspect that he has been talking to other women. I have no evidence just a gut feeling. I know he's been talking to some pretending to be me. But I think he's been talking to some as him and trying to hook up. Like I said I have no evidence. It is just my gut. I've asked him about it and he denys it. But something isn't sitting right with me. In my very first post back on the 1st January I said I thought he was lying. And that's what I was thinking then and I'm still thinking it now.

Bob's still pregnant. But she's been acting weird all day so I think she's really close. I think within the next day or 2 I'll have my grandbabies. I have to stop calling them that. It's going to be hard enough to say goodbye to them as it is. I know I'm going to cry. If I could keep them I would but 3 is my absolute limit. Any more and I'll be a crazy cat lady. I'm on the verge of that now. I think I might have crossed that line when I brought Bob back. Gobshite has me on her phone as crazy cat lady. It's ok I've been called worse. Like weirdo has me on her phone as walrus. When we were on holiday she wanted to straighten my hair. So I let her. She looked at me and laughing said you look like a walrus. So there's that. The gratitude. I take her out I take her on holiday I give her pocket money and that's what she calls me. The little shit. I love her really. So yeah back to Bob. Kinda went off track there. Ah well. She refused her tin of tuna tonight. She was trying to cover it up. Amigo had it. Lol. So I looked on Google and it said for her first litter her labour could be anything up to 36 hours and she would act strange just before giving birth. Watch this space. Ooooo I'm really excited. Any day now I'm going to be a grandma. I'm hoping she will know what to do because I don't want to get involved. Like it said on Google that I'd need dentle floss to tie the umbilical cord if she doesn't. And how to break the sack if she doesn't. I wanna help her as much as I can but Google said she will want to be left alone. So I'm confused. Do I be with her to help if needed. Or I leave her alone and hope she knows what to do. It a bit contradictory. Oooooo that's a big word for me.

It's a mild night and I'm sitting outside in my gazebo. It's not raining or windy. It's nice and calm. Ever so often I hear a car up on the main road. It's 11.30 and I should be in bed. But I'm wide awake. Yay an insomnia night. I was wondering when another would pop up.

My electric ran out. I put the emergency on. Have to see Niel tomorrow. As long as hootie tootie isn't there he will lend me a card till Monday. It's only when she's there I can't have one. Stupid old hag. All she needs is a wart on the end of her nose and she'll have the look down. Yeah I know I'm a bitch. But trust me she deserves it. All the kids on site are scared of her. All day they were playing in the yard. Up at the top. They were riding their bikes around. And to be fair the carpark is smooth but down the bottom where I am it's rough loads of gravel uneven and potholes. So they were riding around the carpark. As soon as she got home they came back to the bottom. I think she's had a go at them in the past about playing up there. She has no right. Those kids should be allowed to play wherever they want. There is nothing to do here. Seriously we are in the middle of nowhere. It's 5 miles from town. It's not like they can go anywhere. So let them play where it's safer. They're no trouble. They are well behaved and polite. And they always look like they're having the time of their lives. Kids these days get bored without a tablet or a phone in their hand. Those boys don't have phones and I've never seen happier kids. They can always find something fun to do. Whether it's putting the washing line up and making a tent. Or jumping on the trampoline. Or having a water fight. It doesn't matter what they are doing it's always fun for them.

It rained really bad this morning. So I came and sat in my gazebo. It was awesome.

I did my pasta bake tonight. It was stonking as always. I told mum and dad I'd do one for them next week. Dad said to hurry up. I can't remember the last time I cooked for them. And I know they really like it. So I try to do when I can. I'll get the ingredients Monday and then do it Tuesday. I really wanna try it with mushrooms. Linda and gobshite won't eat them. So we always have it with tuna. It's lovely. But the mushroom one looks so nice. Shut up I'm making myself hungry.

I can hear a dog barking. Think it's coming from nextdoor.

Got to see the nurse next week. Not looking forward to that. She won't be happy about me not taking those horrible pills. But what can I do. I don't like the side effects. I'm happy to try the injections to see if they help. I'm also going to tell her I can give up the smoking or I can give up the coffee. I can't do both. I give up one there is a possibility it could end in someone's death. If I give up both there's an almost certainty that it will end in someone's death. And I'm too sarcastic to survive in prison.