Wishing for the fairytale ..
Wishing for the fairytale life...I wound up with nothing but an endless nightmare. From the time I wake...or am yelled at to get up...until night falls my chest hurts as my anxiety is forced through the rough. Do the dishes six thousand times, take out the trash, work on the computer, walk the kids to school and home, take care of the kids, sweep the floors, mop, do laundry, work some more, do homework with the kids, pay the bills, buy the groceries, supply the holidays/the birthdays, mop the floors, fix the plumbing...under no circumstances clean up his mess so the house can be clean and beautiful...and yet I do nothing. Chest pains daily to the point I have to concentrate to breathe or I hold my breath. I make pennies an hour and yet am disrespected and told that I am just playing around. Frankly, I would love to be playing instead of what I am doing. There is no end of this for me and that part hurts the most. Now with him working overnight I am forced more into isolation...I have three young children so it's not like I can live while he is at work. Every day I am beyond the point of exhaustion and yet never get any help. I pay his phone too and yet he screams at me calling me names even for working. I don't understand how the government and everyone around me decided that this is the life that I deserve. I cannot even remember for the life of me the last time that I got to be happy for more than a few minutes. I have recently realized that since I can no longer even have the only friend that I had around to actually just enjoy each other's company...I have begun saying "do you know what I mean", "you know" and other things used in checking if someone is listening to you. I know that it is pointless because my words are met with ignorance, insults or just completely ignored...I've found myself talking to the air many many times as he ignores me scrolling through his phone looking for things to buy while my children and I are drowning. The electric has been almost shut off numerous times this year as I cried trying to make any payment that I can on it and yet he makes a lot more. Days before my eldest's birthday he told my child that his birthday didn't matter. Yet everyone decided that this is what we deserved...including my own family.
As a child all of these lovely stories of a girl meeting a boy and living happily ever after are shoved down little girls throats and yet for many...the only thing waiting is a demon disguised as an angel. They lure you in by treating you like you are a Queen beautiful and deserving of love. They act all sweet and innocent, treating you just the way you should be treated. You feel special around the person. You feel safe. You feel loved. Once they have you that is when they begin showing you who they truly are but by then it is too late. The world doesn't care unless it leaves a mark but many are smart enough to not do that...instead they tear you apart from the inside until there is nothing left of you but a shell. They turn the world against you, even people that don't know you demonize you based on their words. It is painful and one of the most lonely ways to have to live. You cannot go anywhere, nobody can actually come over, you can't talk on the phone without later being called names and degraded...you're so called friends...where did they go? Oh...that's right...they said that they cared about you, that they loved you but abandoned you for things you had to do. Every day you wish that you had anyone and when you finally do start standing up for yourself...you're the crazy one.
Slowly losing the rest of myself...and yet I am forced to stay until I am no more and that hurts.