AmberG

23/09

Oh my wow the gazebo is amazing. It's pretty big for what I paid and it's really good. I can't wait to deck it out with everything I'm planning. Gonna get some beanbags. So I woke up this morning and dad and Neil were busy putting it up. It looks great. Now we've got to wait for the rain to make sure it's waterproof. It would be just my luck if it isn't.

Amigo won't leave Bob alone. She's on her chair in the gazebo and he keeps annoying her. She's getting ready to pop now and I'm so excited. I'm not looking forward to Monday. I have to take Ben shopping and it means I won't be here if she goes into labour. So I'm hoping she'll wait till I'm here. Not that she can control it. Bless her. She's so fat now I love it.

He had ago at me tonight. We were talking and I told him I was cold. He told me to put the heating on. I said I don't have enough gas. He had ago saying I shouldn't have bought the gazebo. He was like what are you spending all your money on. I said a gazebo. Hahaha. I don't need a lot of gas in the summer. And I am planning on filling up my big bottle for the winter. But I am freezing tonight. I'm looking at getting a heater to go in the gazebo. Along with fairy lights obviously.

Bob and Amigo are both in and I'm hoping Penny is at mum and dad's. I think she is. Mum would have called me if she had gone out. So the door is closed and locked for the night. I'm still cold. The cold never used to bother me. It must be because I'm getting older. I mean living in a caravan it's not the warmest. And the winters are rough. You have to be strong to survive. But I'm not normally that bothered by the cold. I don't know if I'm coming down with something or if it's just lack of sleep. But I've never been this cold this early.

I was sick earlier. I was in the gazebo and it came on. So I went to rush inside but didn't make it. I ended up chundering in the long grass by my door. It was all liquid which was weird because I shared a pasty with Bob earlier. I'm still putting it down to the coffee. I think if I drink it and not eat it makes me sick. If I eat with it I'm normally fine.

It's getting closer to Bob giving birth. And I'm so excited. I'm nervous for her and slightly scared. But I can't wait to see them. The vet told me when the time comes she will know what to do. I hope he's right.

I have to take Ben shopping on Monday and I've told him he has to be quick because I don't want to be away too long incase Bob goes into labour. Mum said she will be home all day and will keep an eye on her.

I'm going to take my medication now. I know it's too early but I'm still pretty tired. So I'm going to try and get an early night. I was in bed around 11 last night and didn't wake up till late. But I'm still really tired. It doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get I'm always tired. I was talking to him last night about it. He was talking about my other personalities and I told him I have to fight every day to keep them away. And it's exhausting. He doesn't understand just what it's like. He keeps having ago at me for not opening up more and expressing how I feel. But every time I express my feelings we end up arguing. And I really don't want to fight with him anymore. Any time I have told him how I feel he has a go. And I can't be arsed anymore. He is on his last chance. If things don't change it really has to be over. I can't keep going around in circles. This year has been horrible. He really destroyed me and it was mum who was there to pull me back. It was mum who had to put up with me crying all the time. She came with me to doctor appointments and sessions with the mental health team. At the start of it all I was scared to ask her to come with me to these appointments. But now I know how to ask. And she will always come with me if I need her. I'm seeing the nurse in a couple of weeks and she's not going to be happy about me not taking the new medication properly. I tried. It wasn't going to happen. So I'm going to tell her to put me on the injections. That would be so much easier.

I was thinking tonight about my medication. I could probably be trusted with it again now. But I like going over there every evening. And I'm not ready to stop yet. Plus it lets me check on them. I love going to see them. Even if dad gives me cheek every night. He says things like oh no what do you want again. And I when I leave I say see you tomorrow and he says I hope not. He's only joking. If he didn't see me he would worry. I love how protective he is. I am one of his kids. He treats me just like his own. Giving me the middle finger every time he sees me. It's funny. I love it.