2023-09-23 19:48:44 (UTC)

i hate my life

i feel so fucking shitty. idk why this happens to me. i'll be "fine" and then all of a sudden every single problem in my life that i'm ignoring comes to the surface. it's like i'm locked in a dark room and i can't get out. yet the only thing that can get me out is drugs, za at the moment more specifically. i was off like 3 things last night, mainly cuz i had a panic attack so i took ativan. then i smoked, then my sleep meds that make me feel really fucked up. i wake up feeling like a zombie. if i'm not even "using" why do i feel like this. why do i feel like i can only cope with this shit, it feels so invalid to consider it as anything more than just getting high. but i'm not just getting high, i'm running away from how i feel, and numbing the voices n problems in my brain. cause there is no other help i'm receiving. i feel like my brain, behavior, and lack of coping mechanisms since i "quit" sh, has become the perfect layout for me to possibly become an addict. which yk isn't really good, but no one else sees it so i just don't mention it. also starfuckers by nine inch nails is so good i'm obsessed with it. i don't really know what it's about, most songs i don't really pay attention to the lyrics. i'm more about vibes i guess, now that i think about it all i do is read vibes from people, never understanding words. the many joys of being autistic. also hating myself a lot today. my appearance has me so fucked up, and i know there's so many things i can do about everything. but i just. can't. pull. myself. together.