STREAM OF THOUGHT
Holy shit it has been a long time since I logged into this site. And per usual, if I’m writing again that means my mental health isn’t at 100%. So many things have happened. But what’s at the forefront of my mind today is that I am regretting getting married. I got married less than a month ago and leading up to signing papers at the courthouse I got cold feet. But I thought, hey everyone gets cold feet, right? Well. As it turns out, my mind was not playing tricks on me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, I do. But I just feel like we are on two different paths that are not converging and he’s holding me back from being who I want to be. Or maybe I’m having a manic episode. I don’t know. I’m trying to wait it out. As he gets older he seems to become more conservative and I’m becoming more liberal. Let me give an example:
I have known I have been attracted to power exchange in the bedroom for many years. I truly crave to have a dominant/sub dynamic and I don’t think my husband understands to the level I am thinking. My husband will do the occasional light kinky things like choking but anything deeper in the world of BDSM makes him uncomfortable. But the more I’ve read over the years and learned about it, the more I want it. I signed up to go to a Submissive Round Table to get to talk to and meet people in my area who are involved in the BDSM community. As you can imagine, he is very hesitant about me doing this. I want him to at least try to learn about being a dom but I am doubtful this will happen. He’s already making jokes about bdsm and the community. After all these years I finally work up the courage to express that I want to be a sub and he doesn’t even take it seriously. He thinks I just want to ‘spice up the bedroom’. I don’t think he understands that it is much much more than that. I’m getting frustrated and maybe my idea of a dominant/sub relationship only exists in my head and in romance novels. But I am just so depressed lately. I thought it was the stress of us planning to get married and dealing with family drama, but I think it’s more. I think I am unfulfilled. And it is EATING away at me. I’m too scared to walk away from him though. We’ve spent our entire adult lives together. How would I survive on my own? And would it guarantee I would be happier?