2023-09-23 08:50:38 (UTC)

I don't think theres ..

I don't think theres anything more devastating than knowing that your life is essentially going to be miserable. I don't know how people go through everything they have. I can't understand the willingness to live in such a terrible world, yet I'm still here. Hoping that it gets better. Hoping that some day I will find joy in everything and truly want to live without that gnawing feeling that everything will come crashing down. I can't stop myself from believing that if something bad happens i'll take the easy way out. And I can't deny that I think about it so often. I look at my parents and wonder if they've ever felt like this and I cannot understand how they've powered through it. Yes, family blah blah but really. I think I would kill myself even if I had a family and I know that sounds so shitty but these thoughts over power any type of love I have towards anyone. I think about this all the time, that I will inevitably have a depressing life and theres no way to stop it. I have no goals for my future, and I have no want to live and explore it.
I really just fucking hate everything about life, or what people have made it. I know I will never become something great and that makes me feel so worthless. Sometimes I wish I didn't have free will, as in I wish that I couldn't think these thoughts, or that I had a plan that I must complete that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I don't know if that makes sense because I'm bad at explaining things. I don't want to be me, I don't want to exist. I don't WANT to die, I just dont want to EXIST. I want to follow, I want to have a plan and people say not to follow but I'm so lost that I can't think for myself, I don't know what I want or how to get what I want. It hurts that people say they will love you forever and then leave your life so swiftly. It gives me no hope for anything. I know that people don't last and it's not always meant to be but goddamn. Don't promise something that is so easily broken for you.
I don't know what I want, and I don't think I will ever figure it out. I just want my soul to exist without existing in this reality, I just want to live with the stars and admire their beauty instead of fighting for everything on this dumbass planet. It's hard to admire earth when everyone here destroys it. And I know I'm apart of that but we've made life that way.
I switch topics so much.