2023-09-23 01:15:40 (UTC)

I don’t even know where to ..

I don’t even know where to start. I guess by just being honest. Painstakingly honest to the point where you reveal everything so that there’s no stone unturned. Then should anyone point the fingers at you… you have no where to run but take accountability and say “yeah, what about it?” My life is fucking messy.

I’ve broken up with my boyfriend today not because I really wanted to but I’m terrified of the unknown. I’m terrified that he will always opt out for a better woman. A woman with status, money, confidence, good family and a good reputation. That I’m just one of many and if I invest it will lead to a dead end. I always sensed his withholding and in our breakup he revealed he was always afraid of me leaving and justified himself. I’m sure he’s been monitoring my phone for awhile and won’t admit it. I wonder if breaking up will cause more issues or he will really let me go. Yet part of me doesn’t want him to, how fucked up can I be?

Aside from the struggles of feeling not worthy enough, thoughts of being played vs genuineness, and questioning my life existence I’ve had a recent Pap smear that showed some abnormalities. Hearing that really was a shock and I couldn’t hone in on the rest of what the nurse was saying. I think it was possibly something about HPV might have caused this and wanting further testing for cancer. I can’t describe the pit in my stomach. I feel so disgusted at myself and wonder if it’s my reckless past catching up to me. Just when I thought I was getting myself on track something like this happens. I’ve always had this strange phenomenon that when I’m extremely happy it’s quickly replaced by panic. I feel extremely guilty for some reason like I should know my place, like it’s not for me. And now when I feel aroused or sexually content in thought or imagination I immediately panic in the same way. I feel defective and can no longer participate in community. I feel just so fucking gross, untouchable, worthy of outcast. A walking virus that needs to be put down. My recent STD bloodwork came back negative so maybe I don’t have HPV but the effect of it caused this? Then again… maybe I’m just tripping and overthinking. I have an appointment Monday with my doc to talk about the results in detail and schedule more testing. Maybe I don’t have cancer and maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding.

This comes at such a strange time as well. I’ve finally decided to get weight loss surgery and took steps to start that journey. I have my first appointment Wednesday. Should I reschedule and wait for the results after more testing? Or do both simultaneously. It just brings back to mind when Covid hit and I was getting divorced, my son diagnosed with autism. Going through all that alone really took a toll on my health managing doc appointments, court appointments, therapy services for him and home schooling phew. But I guess if I can get through that, then I can get through this. I swear to God if I get through this cleared of all things I’m never having sex again. I refuse to look at people. I feel they can see how worthless I am.

Related and unrelated idk a theory I think about are the effects of the Covid vaccine. Seems a lot of women I know lately have been suffering from these types of cancers. Is that a coincidence? Just coming so suddenly. Maybe I have good chances 9/10 HPV clears up on its own. Fingers crossed this is all a big misunderstanding.