2023-09-22 15:59:27 (UTC)


Good afternoon, - insert the pinyin for such here... 我不知道 (I don't know it).

我不知道 what to put here.

We had the CFT this morning. I didn't run it (二个CFT too...). My hip still hurts after 八个月 (8 months). It's not even broken now, I know that for sure. It's just an ass ton of muscle pain and soreness that is perpetual. It is constantly nagging, consistently present, I am never without it. However, 有时 (sometimes), it IS bone pain. 还是 (or), it is just this incredibly deep muscle pain as bad as when I injured my femoral neck. 不知道. I don't know which it is. It stops me in my tracks when I'm walking. I lose feeling from the hip down. Can't feel my leg or most notably, my foot. I even do these comparisons between both legs. I step on each foot, and note the difference in sensation. Normal pain response in my right foot, but not in my left. I'm not imagining things.

That's what I get scared of. That maybe I'm just a giant baby and my pain isn't real, or valid, or acceptable, or justifiable, or allowed.
Sure, I'm told that I need to kill that thought immediately, 因为是好,(because it's okay) to be injured but I can't find it in myself to accept it.
Sometimes we just get hurt. It can't be helped. You fix it and move on... that's what I'm told.

I was never good with moving on. Ever. Doesn't matter in what regard. I just don't. And maybe its because it's my first injury and I'm not used to being forced to take it easy and I just absolutely hate the feelings that come with this limited activity. It eats away at me.

"It doesn't make you less of a Marine," she says. It does. 知道, I know what makes a 好海军陆战队 (good Marine), 可是 (but), applying that to 我(myself)? It feels so wrong. 我 (I) just feel this detachment from the branch and service. Like 我不是一个他们 (I'm not one of them). 我 identity itself, I guess. I suppose I just feel detachment from life in general. Same old normal shit. Back where I started.

Four more years.