2023-09-21 19:50:22 (UTC)

2023 09 21 - Tame the summit

Today was a difficult day for me for many different reasons. I was deeply triggered and therefore I struggled mentally. From an outside perspective I delivered. I rocked the show and I received lots of positive feedback on my performance. But it's meaningless. Praise from the outside doesn't mean anything. If you base your worth on other people's approval you're not rooted in yourself and you risk to base your emotional well-being on outside factors, emotionally floating around like a leaf in rough water. I got lots of praise. But inside I struggled. My anxiety was so heavily triggered because I don't know how my new boss will be and what he'll expect from me. I still managed to more or less soothe myself, to more or less stay in touch with myself, to not to cut off the connection with my inner child and my inner teenager - not as well as I wished but I stayed true to myself and I chose to love myself throughout the day even though it was a tough.

I'm exhausted. I'm now off for 10 days incl. weekends. I'm looking forward to a healthy diet, to lots of hikes, to daily runs and to lots of self-care and self-love.

"Why is it so common to compromise what you know and want out of life just to mesh with the majority? If you know there's a better way to live, why would you not be the one to break the cycle and actually make a difference? The feeling of just going with the flow is painful to a critical mind. So why give in when you could be so relentless in your individuality that the flow has no choice but to change."

The summit is what drives me but the climb itself is what matters. The first step was made. Trust the process.