my life is a mess that i can't escape
2023-09-19 22:50:49 (UTC)


I don't know how I got matured in a couple of weeks, but I'm glad with that. After having a kind of failure, the fee for the next test was the only thing that I thought. It was almost 3 times of the first one and guess who doesn't have enough money?? Actually I have some, but I'm also trying to pack my stuff for university. So, I have to buy new things, and there are things which I can't get my parents bought. Then, I made a decision. Probably I wouldn't be that brave if I passed the test last month, but I always want to try this. I looked for a job...
I also had some pocked money from relatives and neighbors. As a kind of trad tradition, they visited us and they also brought some gifts. I've got a pair of socks, towels and a blanket so far. I saved the money for my test, and I paid it today! I can't guess his reaction when my dad realized that I paid it by myself but I had to do that. He blamed me a lot when I failed for the first time. So, nobody has to pay money for my failure.

Today I had a driving practice with my course teacher again. I really love that women, she is also our neighbor. She says that this failure is better for me because I started to drive flawlessly? but I couldn't park the car today, actually I did but it wasn't as parallel as it's expected. I told this while having a general question with my dad and he said I'm too careless and if I'm still making mistakes I'll fail again?? it was hard to hear those kind of words again. I always decide to not telling my days to him, but I love spending time with him so I also want to share everything :') sometimes I'm driving his car because I don't have any chance anymore. On my first days, we argued a lot and it was a mental breakdown for me. I was feeling myself useless. Luckily he likes my driving nowadays. Some days ago, he cried while I was driving because he wouldn't guess to have a daughter who is able to drive.

Honestly, it isn't a serious job. I'll work with students who are studying for university exam, and I'll help them to get planned. For this hopeful job, I had an interview with 3 different groups. I was hired one of them! one of them was negative and I couldn't get a response from the other one. Now, I'm waiting for my students. I think I'll wait more, but I'm still so excited to earn my own money. By the way, I'm also getting matured physically. I mean, I'm finding myself more beautiful day by day. I started to create new outfits for me (for university) and I wore them in my interviews! I also wore a little with makeup and I loved my appearence especially with red lipstick of my mom (according to my personal development I should've done this almost 10-15 years ago but anyway I can talk about this later) , I'm planning to buy my own items when I go university.

And there are also hopeful news in my life! I'll stay at the state dorm. You can't guess how happy I am, it's one of the best options for me because you know I always think that I'm a burden to my family and otherwise, I wouldn't be happy in one of the most expensive cities. I'll stay at the dorm room with 4 people. I talked 2 of them and they're nice people. Our hometowns are in the same region. Nevertheless, some people around me think that I won't be there and I'll want to stay at expensive private dorms?? Dear, I've been waiting for those days since my childhood despite all of the obstacles. I love standing on my own feet and the confidence it gives me. By the way, there is a boys' dorm opposite of ours, and I started to talk a boy from there. He studies law at the same university, and I think he knows how to talk to me :') by the way, he also has long hair :')

People, especially my brother says that I'm so lucky because I'm on the verge of a new life. I'm realizing it's importance day by day and I'm getting excited. I want to tell this excitement, but now I need to sleep. goodbye <3

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