Eel

Pent-up

came home after working my ass off and the first words from my husband were "you need to eat."
this conversation again. all over again. brief glimpses of angry encounters with my husband,
who won't even greet me or look my way. he just barks commands and "suggests" what i need to do to improve.
it doesn't matter if my dog is dying, "it's a part of life."
it doesn't matter if i've been on my feet all day. "so was i."
it doesn't matter if i actually did eat more than 2 meals today. "you need to eat more - that's why you have no energy."
maybe my energy is being drained by some unknown force called constant nagging.
i didn't think married life would be easy. but i figured it would be easier than the way i currently feel.
yet if i was left to my own devices, my health would be in a lot worse shape.
somehow these days i'm craving the freedom to self-destruct more and more. because it is easier to implode than dealing with the thousand different pieces of bullshit life throws at us.

all these pent-up feelings.

i keep getting this recurring compliment.
"your voice is so smooth and relaxing. i could listen to you talk. you give off such a relaxing aura."
but how is it that i don't feel the way my voice does? why is it that i feel like it's the same shit over and over again?
doomed to repeat the same mistakes, never actually learning anything,
because the more i learn, the more i know,
the more i know, the more i forget,
the more i forget, the less i know.
one step forward and two steps back.
a thousand one steps forward, a thousand two steps back.

he wants to cuddle now but i feel so upset. i can't fathom why i have all this pent up rage.
i have always been free to make my own choices. but instead i'm constantly feeling dumb and worthless.
like it doesn't matter what progress i make because people will always find something else to complain about.
tired of people switching up on me or pretending like they want to be my friend.
tired of being used just to make people feel better.
tired of superficial connections and falling back into old habits.

just so fucking tired.