Emallia

Avoidant shame

sweet child lying on the floor
I've ignored you so long
busy trying to walk out that door
I'm sorry for all the pain that I've caused
I'm praying through my shame
for some kind of salvation
I can no longer escape such pain
Though I still try
looking for an explanation

I thought you too fragile
but no wonder you were so delicate
you were hit with a projectile
I've been so scared to go to you
although that's all you've needed
I didn't know what to do
thinking I'd damage you too

I can't stop thinking
how trying to help you, just
made you believe that
there was something wrong with you
I was so loud while you were so quiet
and I was so desperate
while you were drowning in despair
I want to know what made us separate
because I know you're curious
But I also know I am avoidant
and looking deeper
gives that trait purpose
I know what I need to do
I'm just afraid to follow through

She picks you up
and bathes you in warmth
an angel offering
unconditional safety
Surprises me with my own jealousy
and my shame
covers me
in inability
I
lose all
credibility