Eel

Crashdance

if there was a seismograph to detect the magnitude of bullshit i'm about to dump into this entry, the united nations would have to formally intervene.

being human is fucking wild. watching the Extreme Love documentary made me realize i have some serious biases when it comes to love. however, there's some shit out there that is just fucking inexcusable. ageplay is always going to make me cringe. please redeem your childhood some other way.

muki and i started watching Drag me to Dinner. watching Bianca Del Rio's ultra sharp wit is a sight to behold. no one can roast a bitch as good as her. she's just too quick. hilariously snappy.

i feel so corporate and so ugly. it's the cognitive dissonance i'm still trying to resolve. now having "manager" in my title means i have to learn to be supportive and yet manage the team. juggling people and resources, inventory and stock, timekeeping and attendance...it's not easy. i've only revealed to Eric that i'm autistic. i haven't told anyone and i feel that the longer i hide it the more at risk i am of making dumb mistakes. a part of me would like to keep it separate from my identity. but i quit one job and was fired from another. i'm afraid that bad habits will start dragging me down again.

but i have been living so long doing nothing about my bad habits. i change them but eventually i cannot sustain the change. i become lazy and spent. i still can barely eat breakfast. i don't go to the gym. i stay chillin in the status quo. but stephen's wisdom, as usual, brought a lot of light and clarity i wasn't expecting to receive today. as we age, it gets harder to make those changes, so you have to make them while you can.

26 and it's starting to feel like things only accelerate from here and my seatbelt's unbuckled, bitch.
it's a constant battle with my inner demons and my bad habits and they've been winning for a pretty long time.
as i get pushed into being more assertive with others, a part of me hopes that it converts to self assertiveness as well.
but i think this is the part where someone would say, "don't be so hard on yourself." either that or "yas bitch do what you gotta do!"

i do wanna go to the gym. i don't wanna rely on drugs to make me feel content anymore.
it feels nice but i just freak out a bit too often, more than i like to now.
yet the days where i can eat a gummy and laugh at shit, today was a good day. learning, laughter, and love. that's a good day for me.

the idea that a failure is a horrible thing is still permeated and ingrained into me. i think i need to take some time to work that out.
but i know it's gonna take some time and that's harder to accept. i'm not patient with myself and i can't understand why, yet my patience for others still lasts at least a dozen times longer. i do feel that it wears a little more quickly sometimes, but listening is a valuable tool that we all eventually lose.

i have to learn to be grateful for what i have and start making changes. and i have to force myself to acknowledge that writing about my feelings may not be enough to make change. it's me, the present self - that's the person who has to make the change. and i have to work to sustain that change. i have to be committed, and the commitment issues are plenty, baby.

i'll keep writing until i get tired of it. i have to find a way to stay sane even if i just want to give up.
i have to work against my bad habits, yet my brain conveniently forgets ways i can initiate the changes.
it's not easy to start if you feel like you don't know where. but i have to start somewhere.