dreamer's diary
2023-06-05 00:32:51 (UTC)

Tear me from my heart

Words can't even express what I felt today. It's not really jealousy...but maybe sadness...ok maybe a mix of jealousy. Sitting on the side listening to his brother say, "when are you going to get back with your ex? You guys were cute together!" Gosh, that felt like getting stabbed in the heart a million times. He simply just said, "we're just friends." Like a simple term that rolled off his tongue. No, buddy...you can't be friends with your ex....unless you never loved them in the first place. I might be a bit too attached to him..but gawd, after everything I've done, it feels like I did all of this for nothing. I've taken every single opportunity I can to see him, every single bit of advice I've ever learned has gone to him. But no, I'm just a friend. Maybe not even his best friend. I thought we had something though, but I guess I'm just being delusional again. I've once again put all of heart into one person, and I really thought I had something going with this dude. He was different from the rest, not because he was a different person obviously, but we actually had things in common. We knew the same people, we're friends with the same people, we have the same political views. It all just made sense...from my point of view at least. I'm the last person he texts at night, and he's the first person I text in the morning. What went wrong?! Why am I even still hung over him?! I can literally do better....my brain KNOWS that he's not right for me. Maybe I'm just in love with the IDEA of him, but what am I supposed to do about that? My heart pushes harder for him, it overpowers my brain and I can't do anything about it. He's never going to end up loving me. I know that's reality. And I know that this relationship would never work out. But my heart loves him. How do I tear apart from my heart when it's what I need to survive? Gawd I don't even have anyone to cry to. No shoulder to cry on, because if they knew, they'd actually think I lost it.

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