Notes from my Black
The lie lingers
I really am tired but I have this snippet of a conversation playing on repeat in my head, and it’s keeping me from sleeping.
She had been claiming that our anniversary was marred because I contacted Rebecca on our anniversary. She claimed that I essentially ruined the date… which isn’t true because I contacted her on her birthday, which is maybe 6 weeks later. She said this over and over thus solidifying the statement into a fact, which of course is bogus. Her efforts were really an effort to force an apology… and finally I did and it makes me mad at myself. The fact is that I don’t at all regret contacting her. Also my contacting her and communicating with her was not a result of my lapse, but a result of our having barely associated for years. I felt estranged, that our relationship was non-existent, and that we had no path to any kind of reconciliation. I was in fact looking to tie off a loose end with Rebecca before I found a way out of my life. She was a step towards the end, not supposed to become a part of my life… but then again, she is the only person I was able to give all my heart to. I tried with Her, but she never could open my heart.
Did I mention that she wants to change our anniversary to the date we first kissed? Sounds cute, right? She once told me that the only reason she remembers the date is because it was her ex-boyfriend’s birthday. He was a complete ass and caused me much pain and misery… and caused us much conflict in the beginning. In fact so much strife, I broke up with Her so she could figure out what she wanted… and that put a wedge between us that will never heal.