nami

Little Boy- Ashnikko

I’m running on four hours of sleep but I feel great. I know I’m going to crash later but I’ll deal with that when it comes. I went to gym earlier about 3:30am. Bro it’s so empty at that time, I was the only one on the top floor. It was really nice, maybe I should keep going that hour. I should rest a bit but I don’t want brain inertia, that groggy feeling if I nap and it’s not a long enough time period. I have lots to do and I’ve done a lot. It’s only 7am and I’m just winding down after dancing in my kitchen while cooking breakfast. I’m anxious bc I have to be around lots of people today… I want transition to be smoothly or I get irritable and lose patience haha. I hate rushing and being rushed.

I’m browsing music… is slut pop a legit genre? Or is that a creative marketing strategy. I can see it on club scenes for sure but sometimes pop doesn’t have much feeling, depth, personality… a song can have good lyrics but mediocre in delivery. I had high hopes for Kim Petras but not someone I could listen to for long.

It’s evening. I feel low, not my energy per se but my spirit. I can’t look in the mirrors anymore today. It makes me want to punch myself in the face. Anger, disgust, sadness I’m suppressing these feelings but it gets hard to breathe. I have to suppress to function, otherwise I’ll break down and stay consumed in emotional anguish. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone in a corner. There’s a lump in my throat and a heaviness in my chest. I also have an urge to cut ties w Raji… that whole unlovable feeling again. It’s making me second guess everything and be on guard that he’s lying. This is all a facade. He doesn’t deserve that tho… it’s just something I wrestle with often. A silent enemy. Anyway, still haven’t messaged my sister. Just couldn’t bring myself to do it and I’ve just lost interest in it now. I’m not ignoring her, it’s just that I don’t really care much… like it’s not a priority.

“ Oh, you think you're worth all the fuss?
You think a bitch is settled like the dust, but I'm out of here
There's not a man on Earth that I'll trust
You can keep the image of my butt as a souvenir

Unfortunately, you made the mistake of underestimatin' me
Coulda, shoulda, woulda but you did it, ha
It's a therapist you need
Coulda, shoulda, would've, fuck it

Little boy, who you think you're talkin' to?
Please, don't think that the sex is gonna cloud my view
'Cause I'm done toleratin' bullshit
Give you my love, and you don't know what to do with it
…
I am not your bitch, wanna see me switch?
Get psycho like they say I am
Scared of me, you flinch, I don't need your inches
Y'all in my mentions, I feel fuckboy rich
Think you're slick?
I burn bridges quick
I won't sacrifice my humanity, sanity for the dick, I won't

Unfortunately, you made the mistake of underestimatin' me
Coulda, shoulda, woulda but you did it, ha
It's a therapist you need
Coulda, shoulda, would've, fuck it

Little boy, who you think you're talkin' to?
Please, don't think that the sex is gonna cloud my view
'Cause I'm done toleratin' bullshit
Give you my love, and you don't know what to do with it”