whoamiagain

Dream? Wet dream? Nightmare?

Last night I could not sleep for the life of me. I tossed and turned, and I don't know why but there was mosquitoes in the house and I felt like I was getting picked everywhere and was soo itchy all night. Justin eventually let out a 'holy fuck babe' and I'm super emotional right now so I just yelled back WHAT? WHAT? then got up and went downstairs to eat cookies, go for a smoke, put off! on and then settle into the couch. Not even 10 minutes later, he was coming down the stairs talkin bout how he couldn't fall asleep cause I wasn't in bed now. lol, I love this guy.

So got back into bed to cuddle and it felt like forever before I fell asleep. Then the dream started. It was so fucked up, my town was now a city and the neighbor's relative were down for a big baseball game or something and then the one started masturbating in front of me and I was masturbating to her masturbating with her titties out, it was fucked. Then we went to the baseball game and she announced to everyone what we had done earlier, then this other girl confessed that Justin and her had been banging for quite some time and proceeded to show me voicemails he would leave her, I then started making a scene infront of everyone naming off this huge list of guys I had fucked while we were dating which was totally unrealistic lmao, I guess even in my dreams I'm petty as fuck. Then we apologized to each other and I woke up feeling super fuckin weird. It was steamy as fuck the part where I was a lesbian for a second in my dream haha.

Oh well.

So no update on my ring, I am feeling discouraged and everyone keeps telling me to go in-store but I honestly feel like if I do that Imma start crying in the store and fuck that.

My anxiety has gone down a little bit, just him coming downstairs last night eased my mind a bit. He's been a little distant this week, or maybe it's me that's being extra clingy cause I'm having a fit about everything.

I left work early yesterday, there was time off available and my mother was going to my grandma's so I said I'd meet her there. After an hour of being there, they said they were going to the crappy restaurant in our town for supper and that I could go with them, but I didn't I had hamburger out here that needed to be used. So I left work 2.5 hours early only for a one hour visit 5 minutes away lol. Oh well, I guess they didn't really realize that I had left early solely to visit with them, but why go to supper at 4pm lol. I guess they're getting old so it makes sense.

SO I don't know how to describe it, but I have been craving smoking hash lately. Like everytime I find a minute to think, I wanna smoke a little hash like I used to, you know, in a water bottle with a burnt hole in it on a cigarette. So tonight when we got into town I'm going to get some at the store, along with groceries and dairy queen afterwards. A mini reese blizzard, yum. I'm overhyping for it I know it's gonna be a let down haha.

We havnt made plans for the weekend, which is nice after the last few, between the telling our families about the marriage, then mothers day, then Rachel coming, this weekend should be relax. I turn 27 in 5 days, and not a single person has asked me to make plans. I booked the day off and asked Rachel if we could go tanning, she agreed. I asked Myriam what she was doing, she said she was working. It's starting to bother me, me going out of my way to try to make plans with my friends and them saying 'I'll get back to you'' and not getting back to me.

Myriam and I havn't seen each other for a while now. I went to her job a few days after I got married to show her the new/used car we bought, but even that was 10 minutes in the work parking. And don't get me wrong, I understand that she works 2 jobs and has a boyfriend and values her family time, but I miss her and am realizing more and more I need to stop prioritizing people that aren't prioritizing me. Not to be petty or anything, just for my own inner peace.

It's so fuckin hard to make friends at this age. I don't have any hobbies, other than gaming and spending time with my boo, I don't go out to bars and stuff, and even if I did I doubt I would find a decent person to then chill with again, everyone my age already has their cliques and stuff.

Then the best friends that have lasted throughout the years, myriam is the one that lives the closest, then rachel(1hour away), then the other lives across the country and the other one is 1.5 hours away and is crazy busy with her own stuff.

It's just sucky because all these people try to come to the rescue when I'm doing horribly but they won't celebrate my wins with me. I am happy right now, despite a few things not doing great, I am happy and am passing milestone in bettering my life, but none of them seem to care now. Only Rachel got a ride to come celebrate being married with me. The one across the country would if she was down, but she's only coming down I believe later this summer. I am honestly just disappointed that the other two have barely reached out to me (and have not in person at all) to congratulate. Never mind the gifts, we said no gifts, but just to come sit and have a drink with me and talk shit about my husband and their boyfriends haha.

Like I said, I'm fuckin emotional right now so this shit doesn't usually bother me one bit, but it's starting to show through, fuck my life. Even my patience with Justin not putting up with my shit is so low. He didn't wanna cuddle last night when we got in bed and that hurt my feelings lmao. See how bad it is right now?

I also pooped a little this morning and there was no sign of blood today. I am due for my period in the next couple days, so I will watch that closely to see if there's anything wrong.

Last night I made the whole pack of hamburger into taco meat, fuck it. I had one soft shell taco and taco salad. Tonight if we do at home we will make nachos with the leftovers of it and I may have a taco salad for lunch if I'm hungry, knowing that if we go to town I won't eat as early as I usually do.

So my old friend asked me for a referral to my job yesterday, and as soon as I did it, my manager asked me questions about her saying that there was a posting available within her other team. I wasn't too excited about having said friend in my division, but whatever. Then I message her telling her you'll get a call and stuff today because they're hiring and my division is a really good one with okay hours and great pay. She was all skeptical saying she had to check if it fit with her, like bro why ask me to do a referral if you didn't even want the job. She said she didn't call them back and was asking me questions. Like no, I am not a recruiter, talk to them. I just got you the job, I'm not spoon feeding you the job, like come on.

Anyway, I doubt that she'll do good with it, I'm kind of bum cause had I known our division was hiring I would have given another friends referral but it was too late.

So my sister-in-law has started working this week, she was already talking about getting a second job, I told her to slow down and take it one day at a time because last time she only lasted 2 weeks and then went back into depression and lost the job. She can't keep doing this to herself because it's a small town, she will run out of jobs quickly and word will spread.

My mom gave me her wedding rings yesterday, which she had said she would. I told her I didn't want them, they're cursed. It was a failed marriage with my dad, and they're also gold with a little diamond really popping out from the top. It's a 3 piece set, the other two only being little gold bands that fit around the main one kind of. I don't like yellow gold, and now my grandma is trying to give me one of her sets that is white gold, meanwhile I just wanna sort the one out that I PAID FOR and didn't receive.

I'm not gonna start again on the ring thing lol.

Time's up, hopefully I will have an update to share on Monday.

ox.