My Secret Thoughts
Update on my Life and my Homework for Therapy
I got a W for that financial derivatives class I was struggling with- it's better than an F. My therapist wrote the supporting documentation stating that it was best that I drop out in the middle of the semester. Around that time, I signed up for the financial derivates course during the Summer- it doesn't start until July and ends in August- entirely online, so it won't be all that difficult.
I went to commencement regardless- got 12 tickets and invited my family- while also casually inviting Dago and Jimmy. Once the date got closer, I sort of reminded them two days before the event, but they forgot about it and even had work. I told them it was fine, but after a while, I felt hurt and told them I didn't want to see or talk to them for the next couple of months- like maybe I'll start talking to them again in August, but that even then I might not even want to talk to them anymore. They did their best to call off work, and they were successful. They went to my graduation and once I crossed the stage, they went to the mall to get me a present and then went to my house. The thing is that I wanted to take pictures with them there right after the ceremony- that upset me as well. Anyways, gathering at my house, and that was basically it. I told them later that night that I would invite them to my graduation ceremony again when I graduate with a Master's degree- that this was basically a tradition now.
I won't be able to see my therapist Claire anymore due to her not working during the summer and me officially graduating during the Summer. I had to transition over to my insurance to get a new therapist, which was a whole process in and of itself. So many calls, assessments, meetings, and paperwork before I actually even saw a therapist. It took a good month and a half to get over all that to see this new one. I had my second session with my new therapist Sarah. I've been with Claire for years, so maybe I am biased, but Sarah isn't like Claire. It's so awkward with Sarah- I talk so much it feels like I'm talking to myself. Doesn't seem very tech-savvy. This was only the second session- maybe after a while, I'll feel closer to her.
I've been so depressed and crying almost every day that I see a therapist weekly (well insurance made it possible for me to easily have a therapist and see her frequently, which is one reason why- of course, I do need it, though). I'm also back on medication and seeing a psychiatrist again. Still feeling shitty, but he is just starting me small to make sure I'm not allergic to it and will gradually increase it. I saw him today as well.
Sarah gave me homework today- well, actually, the way she does it- I figured out during the session what my homework would be for the week. So I basically assigned myself homework. Again, anything for mental health, right- especially when my mind keeps telling me how shitty I am, and end up messaging random people to reassure me that I am not, in fact, a shitty person.
I told her that I feel that I equate happiness with being in a relationship and that I am so obsessed with Dago because I want happiness. He doesn't like me, and he has a girlfriend- so there's that. I still like him, though, and we all hang out as friends around 1-2 times a week, and we all text in a group chat together every day. I have such a good time talking with him- so much fun- then I come to the realization that he has a girlfriend it absolutely tears me apart. I get so depressed and feel incapable of living my life. Just like earlier in the semester- when I started failing my class and all the other crappy things that happened- it all happened because of my obsession with this guy. I wanted to be loved and happy- it wasn't going to happen. So I need to find out how to equate being single with happiness. That's my homework. I wrote a list of everything I liked about being in a relationship- the stuff that truly made me happy. Then, on the right side of the paper, I modified it to fit my single life. This was a part of the lengthy list I created.
It's pretty late right now- 1 in the morning here in California. I'll talk more about this in my next post, I promise. I have to be at work at 8 am so I do need to go. After work though, I'm really going to try to figure out how I can be at peace with myself being single and also being happy every now and then.
From yours truly,
P.S. Who else has been hurting? Is it because of someone you have a crush on? A one-sided love like me?