Life of secrets
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2023-05-26 06:18:44 (UTC)


The osteopath with the “magic hands” and long wait list had a cancellation and so I’m seeing him on Saturday. I’m excited, only because I’ve put all my hope in him helping me to get pregnant. I hate that I’ve done that.

My husband has been massively depressed. With the broker HE chose to use currently letting us down, and his money issues from losing his job etc, he’s just a misery to be around. He wanted to get this supervisor role he interviewed for but didn’t and now he has to start a new job that’s 2 hours away in Brixton and he’s not happy.

This weekend, I am away from him and I can’t wait. But I hope he gets out of his depression soon - I hope we get some good news with the house soon - because I don’t think staying here will help either of us and how can I get pregnant from a rock? His libido has crashed. To be honest, I’m not feeling it all that much myself. How can I? Nothing seems to be working out. I’m probably depressed too.

So after the osteopath on Saturday, I’m probably going to see my family for a little bit since I’ll be up that way. And then in the evening I have a meal with some old work mates. I’d say they’re probably my last standing friends. Although I stopped contacting E because she never EVER reaches out. But I know if I see her, we will chat like we spoke yesterday. She’s one of those people. Never hear from her but it’s ok.

L contacted me. One of my oldest friends. I absolutely love him. He was my R, before R came along. We’ve been through a lot but unless an R situation happened, I don’t think we would ever not be friends. He’s another one I could go a year not speaking to but when we do speak, it’s like we spoke yesterday.

He wants to see me on Saturday too. Which is fine since my husband doesn’t seem to want to be around me at the moment. It’s so dangerous, pushing away your spouse - they will quite literally find comfort elsewhere. I’m not exactly looking but I don’t think L is all that happy in his marriage and I think he’s always loved me. I was the one he wanted but couldn’t have and as he’s got older, he has become quite handsome. Not sure I would actually do anything physical with him, probably not. But a cuddle and some sort of emotional intimacy wouldn’t be denied.

He came to my church the other weekend and did a talk. He’s an elder. But he’s an elder who would quite easily have an affair, but tell everyone the world is ending soon. I don’t get it. And my love for him stops me from saying “he’s stumbled me!” But he kind of has lol I mean…. Is it all REALLY true, what they preach? Do they even believe it themselves ? But I look at L and I see me. He carries around with him, the old me. My old life. He told me that I’m the only one that truly knows the real him too. I feel religion holds back the real us. That can’t be a good thing? Or maybe it is. Maybe we are not meant to be the real us.

On bank holiday Monday I might just visit my family again. My husband wants to work on his car this weekend. He literally told me, go to see your family, I’m going to be concentrating on the car.

Cool dude. Cool.

I’m going to finish my coffee and start work in a mo. Haven’t done any workouts. Have eaten everything. Have put on all the weight I lost. Feel like a pig.