missing parts of my journal
2023-05-10 22:19:38 (UTC)

back on track? or no?

I miss writing in my journal. Before working at the temple, I used to pray for a place to stay closer to the temple and work, and to just have more time to study and all. I wanted a chance to figure myself and things out before continuing with that hectic schedule. I used to write in my journal every day and working hard to achieve my goals. I wrote all of them down and the more I look at them every day, the more I work to achieve more. It was a great feeling. I also felt the Spirit strongly and yknow able to push myself to endure. I wanted to work every day to have enough money for two weeks.
Now I am living in campus where I don't need to travel to the temple and to work. I have time to study at night and be where I want to be - closer to the temple. I spend less every day on food. I pay little for the where I am staying at from Monday to Friday but.... here I am. Not doing what I used to love doing anymore. I don't write in my journal anymore. I rarely visit the church website now and don't study at all. I work in the temple now but do not look forward to the experience and that peaceful feeling anymore every day. I am now working every day but slacking off too with planning lessons and all that for the students. I feel so guilty. I prayed for an easy way to be able to serve Heavenly Father and to live out my life the way I want. But now, I feel so ungrateful. I am taking everything I have now for granted. What a hypocrite. The things I prayed for, Heavenly Father gave them to me. Now I am just finding time to watch movies and other series on Netflix, YouTube, and other sites. I don't touch my scriptures anymore and I don't carry them around with me anymore.
Only when I am facing trials and feeling down where I want to turn back again.
I miss that person. And I miss how much I would feel okay even when things don't go my way. I just go with it and do better next time. Now? I feel so useless. It is true what one of the apostles said. He shared that once I start thinking "oh yeah, it is going to be the same thing tomorrow again", I am seeing something casually. That kind of thing he said. I don't remember well what he said so I can't quote them but I do know that it was something along those lines. For example, the temple is a holy and sacred place. Once I see it as something that I need to just do and that it is always the same every day, I am not treating and seeing it as a sacred thing. The temple is a sacred place. When I treat it as something that is not important or has no value, I feel as if I am lost. Like I feel like it's another darn place. When I strive to be clean and worthy to enter the temple, I feel at peace. I feel that sacredness and power when I enter it. I feel how much I have come so far and that my Heavenly Father is near. I don't know.... I just feel at home and strengthened. It is such a wonderful place but of course there is the natural man in us.
Thinking about it now, I have always thought about how I always work hard when not around people or like in private. When I used to stay home without anyone around, I would study, read my scriptures, and write in my journal. I would exercise every day and just think of the present and hope for a better peaceful future. I would also strive to eat healthy food and get enough rest. Now, ever since getting addicted to animes and other stuff, I don't exercise anymore. I only do yoga when I feel the tightness of the muscles of my body wanting to stretch and all that. *sigh* Why do I keep doing this to myself? Everything I do is up to me. I have a choice.

I want to get back on track. I need to settcle some things first now...