Pinwheels and Tangerines
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2023-05-25 14:09:00 (UTC)

Just things (tw!)

I managed to nap after gym, I’m just waking up and I’ve had the worst dream in a really long time. It was bad to me. Raji and I were still dating but he refused to kiss me. Something about purity and dating in a holy way. We were drifting apart. He was meeting other women and kept saying they were friends. So I left the house and went shopping. It was night, the sky was dark. I seemed happy to shop and found a cute jean vest with small pleating on the bottom. I picked it up and the pockets were full of coins. Really stuffed, pockets that were about to burst, round and puffy like bubbles. I remember just being happy and excited… like a double win. I found another cute hoodie but that looks like the one I have. White with black stripes at the end of the sleeves. Im in the mirror trying these on and somehow it changes like I’m in a room with my younger sister. (We grew up sharing a room). I flaunt my new clothes and say “isn’t this cool.” She replies “yea, you have nice taste.” Finally I hear her say that and validate it. She softly says “goodbye.” Im like “ok…? Whatever bye.” She turns around and for a moment I forget all about her. Im looking in the mirror with these new garments on but I get a strange feeling and start thinking “what did she mean by bye?” I replay our encounter in my mind and I notice she looked paler, she looked sad, she didn’t seem normal at all. I realize she went to the closet and I see blood smeared around the door handle and little on the door itself. I quickly grew very worried and tried to open the door. It was locked. I grew frantically banging and trying to pull the door open with all my might. I thought she was going to hang herself in the closet. I finally get it open and there’s writings all over the walls in red. Words like kill, hate, die… fucking kill myself just written over and over. She didn’t hang herself but she was crying with blood on her. I reached for her and she resisted but I overpowered her to come out the closet. Now there’s blood smeared all over the door and walls. I’m screaming for help. I’m screaming for Father to help at the top of my lungs. I’m shaking, I’m panicking. Father comes through the door of our room and looks around sees the blood. He stares at my sister and asks “what’s wrong?” I repeat “she needs help”. I’m pleading to get her help. He looks angry and irritated that he has to do anything at all. He peaks into the closet and stares at my sister. My sister begins to shake her head and grab her hair, throw a tantrum? Clearly she’s in so much emotional pain. Father yells “quit that shit now!” And it jolted both her and I to stand very still. I’m still shaking, I want to hold my sister but I can’t move. I’m just shaking, terrified how I always was as a child when Father and Mother faught. When I was powerless, helpless, no where to run, nothing to distract me. And then I woke up…

I have some volunteering to do this morning but I definitely should check on my sister right? See if she’s ok. We’ve only had one brief exchange a few days ago. I thought to give her some of the jewelry I bought but when I mentioned it she sharply said “oh you’re speaking to me now?” And that was that. I didn’t dismiss her from my life, just gym lol. But I haven’t talked to her. But she hasn’t talked to you either. I took a step in a way? No it’s not proper way. If you’re worried about her you should check on her. Yea but I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and I feel tense like something is holding me back from reaching out again. What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? You don’t know that. Send a message, see how she receives it. What if she says it’s a poor attempt at reconciliation? What if she demands an apology? Well… at least you tried. Something is better than nothing. So just try, send a message at least. What should I say? Say what you told me. I didn’t want to dismiss you from my life. I still have jewelry for you if you want it. Ugh that sounds dumb and it feels gross. Just do it. What’s the worst that can happen, she won’t talk to you?… she’s already doing that haha. Hmm yea you’re right haha. Ok, I’ll send a text.