Notes from my Black
I’m not sure I’m an a good head space to talk about it… after all, it’s not my trauma, although I did cause said trauma. She says she doesn’t feel like celebrating the anniversary because two years ago I contacted Rebecca. Mind you I didn’t contact her until July two years ago… so her time frame is off.
So… this is typical. I bear all responsibility for this crap relationship and she bears none. I won’t bullet point the ways she has failed me, but honestly it’s not that many. It’s just that the ones there are, make me question quite a lot about the relationship, her, and even myself.
I was born to people please. I was practically forced into the mould, just to make the appearance of the kids in the Sound of Music type adherence to societal expectations. That sentence was aweful… I don’t have it in me to re write it.
Anyway, tomorrow is supposed to be our anniversary. I got her two lovely cards. I know she didn’t get me a card or gift. We aren’t doing gifts. At least that is what we talked about months ago.
She gives me these half smile looks and loses that “happy” face quicker than she forced it as she turns away. Why on earth… I just don’t get it. I’ve been working so damn hard to make her happy.
It’s the curse. I think I need to just accept that it is real. It’s not karma. It’s not yin/ yang. It’s just that I haven’t the ability to do things right… or at least right enough to make a difference.
I’m done lamenting out loud… for now.