llaurent

abandonment

last week i went on a first date. it came out of the blue really. id been drinking wine with my grandma last friday. i got tired after a while and went home and then got a message on hinge. someone asked me to go for drinks. i had a few glasses of water, smudged some black eyeliner on and headed out. we had a great time, he was so easy to talk to and it helped that he was so attractive. he sang me a song from my favourite movie after i told him he reminded me of one of the characters. i ended up staying at his- bad decision i know. one of my many flaws is that im impulsive though. anyway, i messaged him the morning after, whilst i was in the taxi home. he didnt respond till 10pm at night. first red flag. those hours between, i had accepted that id fucked up again and got the wrong end of the stick and made a fool of myself. i wasnt too hard on myself i was just set on not making that mistake again. i spent that shift lecturing myself about being naive and gullible. im very sensitive to rejection and perceived abandonment. well anyways he ended up making plans to see me today. i was happy but a little apprehensive. he of course cancelled today whilst i was at work. my heart sank. he mentioned rescheduling but im leaving that for him to initiate. if he doesnt want to see me then thats fine id rather not force it. it really ruined my day though. its such a beautiful day and i spent the best of it in my room drinking wine alone.dont get me wrong its not that i really like him and im heartbroken, ive only met him once after all, it just triggered a feeling of rejection in me.