Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
2023-05-24 16:06:38 (UTC)

Our standing Tuesday night ..

Our standing Tuesday night date night was supposed to happen at 10ish, and since I am now researching the whole meditation before hand, I took my shower, lit a candle, put on a little something sexy, dolled myself up, laid on the bed and began to mediate. However, research was interrupted early because Mike found he just couldn't resist me any longer (told you I am a magnet to all good things) and came in around 9ish, so that research will have to be scrapped. Not a total waste though because it was just enough relaxation to make it a night to remember <3

After writing last night 'so there went the carefree fun Mikki you knew and fell in love with', I realize that by doing the norco, I did the same thing basically to Mike. Chad was diagnosed with cystic Fibrosis at 2 months of age, I had to change, I had to become responsible now. When Chad died (3030 days ago) I thought I had to take the norco to survive the magnitude of that loss, I don't know I am not going to make excuses, I said and will always say I chose the easy way out, the cowards way so to say. However it wasn't all a loss, I have learned valuable life lessons in the past 260 days.

When Mike and I met, all the stars in the universe lined up to make it happen, every single thing, was happening, in a moment. I have it all wrote down, but every little thing came together for us to be married in 10 days, without us having to do a single thing but show up on time. I knew who I was and we were so happy, even though life wasn't always good, we have dealt with a lot of shit, but we had each other and that's all we needed. I lost myself, thank God I didn't lose Mike too. So now I am back, and possibly already getting on his nerves with all this positive happy non stop talking energy I always have, but he can see it now too, he can see that life is about to be popping up in here. We can have it all and we are about to live the life we have always wanted.

I realized something that I should have noticed before, that I always said I got through Chad's death by searching every single day for 1 thing that brings me joy, and that's what I did, but I just realized that once I found that 1 thing that made me laugh or just feel happy I stopped looking for 24 hours. That is where I fucked up, I can't even tell you how many people I have given that advice too 'find at least 1 thing a day that brings you laughter or joy' what in the fuck?? how many people have I fucked up with that advice?

new advice, search for endless amounts of joy~